Romantic Jealousy

How to recognize where jealousy comes from and how to cope with it.

By A.M. Pines, C.F. Bowes, published on March 01, 1992 - last reviewed on October 01, 2009

Each of you will need three sheets of paper for this exercise. On top of the first page, write: "Behaviors that trigger my jealousy" or "Jealous behaviors that get on my nerves." Under this heading, if you are the jealous spouse, list all the things your mate does that trigger your jealousy; if you are the non-jealous spouse, list all the jealousy-related things your spouse does that make you feel angry, frustrated, caged, hurt. For example, an item on a jealous spouse's list may be: "When you're nauseatingly sweet to every woman on the street after being nasty to me." An item on the non-jealous spouse's list may be: "The fact that you get so suspicious about every woman I happen to bump into."

On top of the second page, write: "The needs at the base of my jealousy" or "The needs at the base of my annoyance." Under this second heading write the different needs at the heart of your jealousy or your annoyance. For example, at the heart of her jealousy triggered by seeing him get sweet to other women may be a need to feel special, to feel that you are his "one and only." At the heart of his anger at her suspicion may be a need for trust.

At the top of the third page, write: "Wishes." Under it write what your partner can do to fulfill your need. Don't ask for things that are too general, such as "make me feel special" or "show me that you trust me." Ask for specific and concrete things your mate is able to do, things that have special significance for you. For example, "Take me out for a romantic dinner." "Tell me that you trust me." Note that both examples are positive statements--things to do, not things to avoid. Note, too, that both examples involve observable behaviors, the focus of the behavioral approach.

After writing your lists of wishes, go over those lists and rank your requests in terms of their importance to you, (10=very important, 1=of minor importance.) For example, how important is it that your husband take you out for a romantic dinner? How important is it that your wife tell you that she trust you?

Once both of you have ranked your requests, exchange your lists, examine your spouse's wishes, and then rank them in terms of your difficulty in fulfilling them. How hard it is for you to tell your husband that your trust him? How difficult it is for you to take your wife out for a romantic dinner?

It is important to emphasize that requests are not demands and should never be expressed or understood as such. They are wishes. When your partner fulfills your wish, it's a gift and should be received that way.

If you have a jealousy problem you are trying to overcome, try to give each other at least three gifts every week. This probably will not be easy (if it were easy, you would have done it before). The things your partner asks for may be difficult for you to give. It may be difficult for you to look in your husband's eyes and tell him that you trust him when deep in your heart you don't (which is why you respond with jealousy when he is friendly to other women). You don't have to give presents you rated high in difficulty. Start with those you rated easier. As the relationship becomes more loving and trusting, you will find it easier to give your partner the more difficult gifts, too.

Finally, a note about assumptions. One of the most damaging in couple relationships is that something asked for is worthless ("If I have to ask for it, what kind of a gift is it?") Another is that the gifts your mate wants are the same things you want. The goal is to break free of these assumptions and give each other what you really want. This way both of you will get more rewards from the relationship. You may recall that getting as many rewards for the lowest possible cost is one of the goals of behavioral couple therapy.

The exercises here assume that both of you truly want to be rid of your jealousy problem. This assumption may or may not be true. It is possible that, despite all appearances to the contrary, the jealousy problem serves an important function in the relationship--a function you would rather not acknowledge. If this is the case, chances are that the coping strategies recommended here will not work, and you may want to get professional help at some point.

Nevertheless, exercises that give you an opportunity to learn about yourself and about each other, and that increase the number of rewards you give each other, can only help, and--like the relationship--deserve a good try.