Romantic Jealousy

The second part of this exercise starts the same way as the first. Imagine lying there, the sun warming you gently. The wonderful feeling of relaxation is back.

But this time, imagine that the sun is not only warming you, but also energizing and empowering you. You are feeling strong and in control. Time has passed since you experienced your most intense experience of jealousy, and during that time you've learned more about yourself, about relationships. You are wiser, more experienced, more powerful now. Feel your inner power and wisdom. Hold on to them as you would to a shield, a magic weapon.

Now you are ready to go back in time and revisit your most intense experience of jealousy. Imagine you've been given a chance to go back to that incident and relive it anyway you want. Remember that now you are armed with wisdom, experience, and power. What do you do? How do you respond this time? The same way you responded originally (because the experience taught you so much, despite the pain), or differently (the way you wished so many times you would have responded--cool, gracious, in complete control of yourself and of the situation)?

After you complete the guided fantasy, make sure to write down both your experiences and your insights. If you found yourself responding differently when you revisited the site of your most extreme jealousy, remember that the ability to respond in this new way is within you. The feelings of empowerment, of wisdom, of control, are a part of you. You can call them up at any time, even if this requires greater effort in times of stress.

A variation of this is called Physiologically Monitored Implosion Therapy (PMIT). Based on a well-known behavioral technique called "flooding," it has been used successfully in the treatment of phobias and posttraumatic-stress syndrome. In implosion therapy, patients are asked to imagine their worst fear or most-traumatic experience again and again until the fear is reduced. In PMIT, the therapist monitors the patient's blood pressure with an electronic instrument that records subtle changes. The patient talks about difficult situations, and the therapist keeps a tape recording of the scene the patient described just preceding a peak in blood pressure. This scene is the source of the problem. Repeated exposure to the recording reduces the power over the patient, and blood pressure gradually returns to normal.

Another version of implosion therapy is the "Dutch Cow" technique, in which the husband of a jealous wife, for instance, is instructed to call her every hour. This means that the wife must tell her husband where she would be every hour so he will know where to call her. (The technique is nicknamed "dutch cow" because the calls serve the same function as the bells the cows carry around their necks.) Eventually, it is hoped that the connection between the husband's absence and jealousy will be replaced with a connection between his phone calls and annoyance.

Another technique, called "pretend," involves having the jealous person behave as if he or she is not jealous. The underlying assumption--one of the basic assumptions of the behavioral approach--is that if a jealous person can control his jealous behavior and act in a non-jealous manner, he can learn to perceive himself as a non-jealous person.

In addition, behaving in a non-jealous manner is likely to evoke a more favorable response from the non-jealous partner. As systems therapists note, jealous behavior, with its attendant demands--interrogation, whining, and fault-finding--usually evokes a negative reaction from the partner. By behaving more reasonably and positively toward the partner, despite feelings to the contrary, couples can reverse their downward spiral of interaction.

The counterpart of the pretend technique is called "turning the tables," in which the non-jealous partner is instructed to act the part of the jealous partner.

Working it out together

In both the "pretend" and the "turning the tables" techniques, one spouse is instructed to behave differently (more like the other spouse) as a way of changing the dynamics surrounding a jealousy problem. The following exercise is aimed at getting both mates to work on a jealousy problem together.