Most of us have some unresolved conflicts we carry from our childhood. We experience these conflicts as vulnerabilities, insecurities, or fears. When we fall in love and our love is reciprocated, these vulnerabilities, fears, and insecurities seem to vanish. We are loved despite our imperfections. We feel whole; we feel safe. But when this love is threatened, the fears and insecurities that we thought had gone forever come back in full force. If this person whom we love and adore--the person we thought loved us despite our flaws--is going to leave us for another, then there is no hope for us, ever! We no longer feel secure even in those things we previously loved in ourselves. As glowing as the love was, so dark is the shadow of its possible loss.
Yet jealousy need not be the green-eyed monster that destroys people and relationships. Recognizing it as the shadow of love gives couples an opportunity to examine two key questions:
o What is the essence of your love? What was it that attracted you to each other initially and what is the most important thing the relationship has given each one of you?
o What is the shadow that your love casts when threatened? What is the threat or the loss that the jealous person is responding to?
As we move with awareness into the core of our jealousy, we discover ungrounded expectations, projections, envy, loss of self-esteem, infantile fears and insecurities. These are not "nice" discoveries. In fact, they may be so unpleasant that some people will try hard to avoid them. In order to solve a jealousy problem, however, a much more effective approach is an open and honest examination of the issues involved. Such an examination can do more than help relieve the jealous person's perceived threat. It can also help enhance the relationship and deepen both mates' commitment to each other.
One of the most common questions of people with a jealousy problem is: Can jealousy be overcome? The answer is yes, but with great effort. Like most other difficult emotional experiences, jealousy, if treated correctly, can be a trigger for growth. It can become the first step in increased self-awareness and greater understanding both of your mate and of the relationship.
In a jealousy crisis, you first need to determine what is at the heart of your jealousy. Is it fear of loss? Is it a feeling of humiliation? Is it feeling excluded? Is it something else? What is the most painful thought associated with your jealousy: Does it hurt you to know that your wife had a wonderful time with someone else, and you were excluded? Do you feel humiliated because your husband has flirted all night with a stunning woman, and everyone at the party saw it? Or do you feel terrible pain of loss because you know you have lost your mate's love and the relationship? While feeling excluded is no doubt painful, it is not as painful as losing a love relationship. People who don't bother to clarify what hurts them most can respond to a trivial incident as if they have lost the relationship.
Once you've identified the focus of your jealousy, you need to figure out why you are responding the way you are. Is it a result of your sensitivity to the subject, or a result of a real threat to the relationship? After you've clarified for yourself what exactly you are experiencing and why, you can proceed to examine your different options for coping.
One such option is the behavioral approach, which, as its name implies, focuses on observable behavior. Behaviorists assume that the causes for and solutions to a jealousy problem exist in the current environment, even if the jealousy-triggering event happened at another time and place. To behaviorists, all psychological problems are a result of inappropriate learning and can be unlearned and replaced with a new (and better) response.
Desensitization is one of the techniques behavior therapists use to treat jealousy. The process includes several steps. First, you are asked to make a list of the things that cause you jealousy and rank them according to the amount of jealousy they trigger in you. Second, you are taught to progressively relax different parts of your body. Third, you are trained to remain relaxed as you imagine the different items on your list. You start by imagining the item at the bottom of the list, the one that triggers least jealousy in you. Once you are able to think about this item and remain relaxed, you are asked to imagine the next item on your list. If you can't remain relaxed while imagining it, you return to your relaxation exercises and then try again. This way, you gradually can learn to confront the triggers that produce the most extreme jealousy in you, and remain calm.
I use a variation of this exercise in jealousy workshops that involves revisiting your most intense experience of jealousy. Lie on the floor and make yourself as comfortable as possible. Imagine yourself in your favorite place; the day is sunny and you're relaxed and happy. Take a deep breath and imagine it bringing calm and comfort to every cell in your body. As you exhale, imagine all feelings of discomfort, tension, and pain leaving you. Concentrate on relaxing each part of your body separately, starting with your toes and moving up slowly to your face and head, until you feel completely relaxed.
Tags:
bag lady,
blond chick,
bushes,
cold winter night,
crazy feeling,
curtains,
drizzle,
excruciating pain,
experiences,
going out of my mind,
groin,
madness,
makeup,
paragraphs,
responsible adult,
romantic jealousy,
strong feeling
