The third part of this exercise is the most challenging, and the most significant. Think: Could there be some connection between the things that the relationship gave you initially and the primary components of your jealousy? For example, a woman who fell in love with her husband because he made her feel she had "finally come home" to a safe and secure place described the most painful aspect of her jealousy as "feeling abandoned and all alone."
The opposite example is the woman who fell in love with her husband because he made her the center of his world. After 20 years of marriage she wanted a divorce because his jealousy was suffocating her. Her husband fell in love with her because she was beautiful--the kind of woman he only dared dream about as a shy adolescent. His jealousy focused on his feelings of inferiority and insecurity.
Why is it so important to note the connection between what attracted us to our mate--the most valuable thing the relationship gave us initially--and the primary components of our jealousy? Because it proves that jealousy is indeed the shadow of love. Furthermore, it's a reminder that we didn't just happen to be in this relationship--we chose to be in it. Something in us attracted us to our mate. Something in us makes us experience jealousy the way we do. That something is our romantic image.
Psychologists have spent a great deal of time studying who falls in love with whom. They have discovered similarity between couples across a wide range of variables including family background, education, religious affiliation, happiness of parents' marriage, tendency to be a lone wolf or socially gregarious, preference to stay at home or be on the go, number of friends, intelligence, attractiveness, etc. Even if you and your mate are similar in several of the traits mentioned in the list, you probably still feel that these were not the real reasons you fell in love. Yet after you made your choice, these were the things that told you that your choice was right. Your emotional choice--the spark you felt--was based on your internalized romantic image.
We develop this image very early in life, based on powerful experiences we had during childhood. Our parents and other adults involved in raising us influence the development of our romantic image in two ways: the way they express, or don't express, love toward us; and the way they express, or don't express, love toward each other.
Think back to the earliest time in your life you can remember. Who took care of you? Who taught you the meaning of love? Try to remember as much as you can about these people--not the way they are now, but the way you experienced them in your childhood. What were their most important characteristics, both good and bad? What was the most notable characteristic of their relationship with each other? What's the most important thing they gave you? What was the thing you most wanted but didn't get? Were they unfaithful to each other? Were they jealous?
The positive and negative features of the people who raised us are the building blocks for our romantic images, and while they can be influenced by the people who reared us, there is an important difference between their negative and positive traits. The negative traits tend to have more influence on our romantic image. The reason for this is that these are traits with which we still have "unfinished business."
As adults we look for a person who will fit our romantic image in a significant way. When we meet such a person, we project our internalized image onto him or her. This is why, when we fall in love, we often say, "I feel as if I've known you all my life." This is also why we are so often surprised after the infatuation is over--as if we didn't see the person, only the projection of our own romantic image.
The person who fits our romantic image is also the person who is best able to help us work through our childhood traumas. While it would seem to make sense for the woman whose father was unfaithful to look for a man who is sure to be faithful, this is not what usually happens. A woman like this most often falls in love with playboys just like her father--not because she needs to repeat her childhood trauma, but because only a man who resembles her father can give her what she didn't get from him. The paradox is that she marries such a man because he resembles her father, yet what she wants most desperately is for him not to behave the way her father did. She wants him--a sexy, flirtatious man with women always flocking around him--to be a faithful husband and give her the security she didn't get as a child.
The effects of a romantic image are not always that direct and straightforward. A boy who witnessed his mother's unfaithfulness may choose to marry a woman whose most redeeming quality is her faithfulness. How will he then be able to "work" on his childhood trauma? By suspecting his faithful wife of infidelity. The repeated proof of her innocence helps heal his wound. It shows that, unlike his father, he is number one with his wife.
Tags:
bag lady,
blond chick,
bushes,
cold winter night,
crazy feeling,
curtains,
drizzle,
excruciating pain,
experiences,
going out of my mind,
groin,
madness,
makeup,
paragraphs,
responsible adult,
romantic jealousy,
strong feeling
