Talking about their marriage seems like fun to most couples, but it's not very appealing for those in unstable relationships. Reticence about the relationship, then, is another bad sign. While spouses in a successful partnership are eager to tell their stories, those who will eventually split make comments like, "I keep things to myself. That's the way I've always been and the way I always will be."
Besides being upbeat and relaxed, happy spouses also reiterate their partner's sentiments. When one husband commented that he and his wife took their time getting to know one another and building the relationship, she agreed: "Yeah, it was good quality time. Even now it's good quality time. Being cautious really paid off for us."
We-ness or Separateness
Although contented couples are not necessarily joined at the hip, seeing yourselves as a unit is not a bad idea either. Lasting couples use terms like "we" and "us" in their stories and describe their goals and decisions as collective. One troubled couple never once mentioned the word "we," remarked Gottman. "The only time they ever referred to any plurality was when they talked about their children, they said 'our children.' It was very striking how little they were together."
In these marriages, spouses may actually keep a partner from making statements that imply togetherness. If one says, "That was a very difficult period for us," the other might reply, "Why don't you speak for yourself? I enjoyed that time in our lives. I know you were unhappy, but I was very happy."
Couples who are closely joined emphasize that they wanted to be together and still do. "We stood up together to ignore our families and do what we thought was right," said one. "It didn't matter what the Bible said, this was love."
Chaos
Partners in troubled relationships can't hide the chaos; they tell stories that are full of unexpected problems and hardships. "Life has been rough these last couple of years. I've spent all my energy trying to keep food on the table."
These couples speak of unemployment and unwanted pregnancies, disapproval from their families, and worries about money. They may say they married for reasons they can't readily explain. When asked why he'd settled down, one man replied, "I grew up believing I'd have to marry someone."
Glorifying the Struggle
It's not just what happens to us that informs our stories, it's how we look at those events. Contented couples often have had the same experiences as couples in chaos, but rather than wallow in their sufferings, they glorify the hard times--reflecting their belief that the benefits of marriage still outrank the struggles. "It's the hardest job you'll ever have, but it's worth it," said one man.
As another woman recalled, "We've had intense experiences these last few years, not knowing if my husband had a job and losing some friends. We came through it. It was hard, but we made it together." When listening to your own history, therefore, keep alert for sounds of optimism. It may make all the difference.
We all walk around with the stories of our relationship in our heads. These narratives constantly evolve based on our current emotions. In doing so, they affect both how we feel today and how we'll treat our spouse tomorrow. They can indicate which of us are filled with regrets and which are looking towards the future with high hopes.
So go ahead. Describe that chance encounter or friendship-turned-romance that led to your nuptials. But this time, don't just tell your story. Listen to it, too.
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