Ideal Couples and Romance

Deborah Tannen was right. Men and women do not speak the same language--especially when it comes to love. For Valentine's Day, four times as many women would rather receive tickets to a concert or show as would opt for a $100 gift certificate (33 vs. eight percent). More would even opt for that night out than would want a dozen roses (28 percent). Interestingly, more women would prefer a luxurious cashmere sweater (18 percent) to a "friendship" ring (13 percent) from their lover.

But men, by a wide margin, would rather send flowers. Some 59 percent consider a dozen roses to be the best expression of their affection on Valentine's Day. Another 18 percent would prefer to send a "friendship" ring, while 12 percent would consider tickets to a concert or show an ideal gift. Just six percent would consider presenting their lover with a $100 gift certificate while another six percent would opt to give a cashmere sweater.

Men and women may not speak the same language, but they select the same ideal of love. Given a choice among romances--the quirky Lyle Lovett and Julia Roberts, the sturdy Jane Pauley and Garry Trudeau, the emotional Romeo and Juliet, the mature yet still illicit Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis and Maurice Templesman, the enduring and close-knit Jessica Tandy and Hume Cronyn, and that of their parents--those polled put their faith foremost in Tandy and Cronyn (36 percent). A close second was their parents (30 percent). Only 10 percent longed for the all-consuming passion Shakespeare's teens felt, while just six percent each wanted to model their relationship on the Lovetts, Trudeaus, or the former first lady and her diamond-merchant companion.

That may explain why, by a margin of three to one, panelists find a couple renewing their wedding vows on their 25th anniversary to be more romantic than a couple exchanging marriage vows for the first time (75 vs. 25 percent)--despite all those fragrance ads featuring an obviously first-time bride. The fact that half of all marriages end in divorce may be tempering their enthusiasm.

Love need not involve great ex-pense--but it does require energy. When asked to discern signs of love, respondents cited a partner, unasked, taking on a chore that they themselves usually labor over (36 percent). A phone call made or a card sent for no specific reason was close behind (34 percent). Less welcome signs of love were a surprise visit to one's workplace or home (17 percent) and uncomplainingly accompanying one's lover to a restaurant only he or she adores (13 percent).

Respondents would welcome a hug only slightly more than a back rub but significantly more than being called by a pet name. They'd also be touched by being lent a scarf or gloves when it's cold--a modern expression of chivalry. As for phone protocol, respondents are divided on the value of not being put on hold; they can't decide whether it's significant or meaningless.

How do you know you're in love? Which experiences clue you in? Apparently it's your anxiety level. Thirty-five percent of respondents say the most important sign is that they worry about their "friend." Twenty-seven percent know when they laugh at the same joke, while for 25 percent it's when they impulsively call to check in. For 14 percent, the tip-off comes when they move their internal body dock from owl to lark or vice versa to coincide with their partner's biorhythms.

What will do the most to seal love for the long haul? Having a child together slightly edges out buying a home together. Still significant, but in third place, is comingling finances. Sharing a religion is significantly more of a long-term bond than sharing political views.