Getting Over Getting Older

The fear of aging and why baby boomers are the victims of the anti-aging epidemic.

By Susan Scarf Merrell, published on November 01, 1996 - last reviewed on October 01, 2009

On the down side--and, of course, there had to be one--we begin to slow on all fronts. It becomes increasingly difficult to keep up with the energies of a two-year-old, or to add up a series of numbers in one's head. Memory grows less efficient as well. In fact, it's a process that begins between the ages of 18 and 20 but is so slow and subtle that it doesn't become noticeable until around the age of 35. And when we first face the fact that memorizing what we need to do that day is getting difficult, we adapt. We start making lists and otherwise reorder our approach to retaining information. "You tell yourself it's not so important to remember things," says Garfinkel.

In truth, the worst part of getting older appears to be ageism--the intolerant attitudes of younger people. According to Scogin, "People grow impatient with you for your slowness, even though that decline in speed is appropriate. Think of that driver who makes you crazy when you're trying to get some place. That person isn't being op-positional, as it appears to you. His or her reactions are slower, so it's natural that he or she would drive more cautiously" Of course, older people are as heterogeneous as any other population, Scogin adds: "Some are hot-rodding down the highway, some are doddering along. One can't ever generalize."

BETTER, NOT OLDER

Okay, so if we're supposed to be satisfied with our aging selves, does that mean it's wrong to help nature along, to try and slow down the ravages of time? According to Stone, author of the forthcoming Happily Ever After: A Guide for Newlyweds, "Dying your hair or having collagen injections doesn't really have anything to do with avoiding getting older per se; it's about wanting to feel good about yourself and feel attractive. It's like wearing beautiful lingerie: Nobody else knows you're doing it, but you feel indulged and valuable. That's a reasonable thing to do."

But such self-improvement can go too far, Stone explains. For example, if a person values his or her attractiveness to the exclusion of other personal characteristics, then the person is loving him or herself from the outside-in rather than the inside-out. "That's a problem," she says.

According to Kivnick, who researches how the lives of very frail elders can be improved, the most important thing we can do to ensure a comfortable and interesting old age is to plan for one. Not simply financially, although that's obviously important. Most of us will spend a good twenty years or more in healthy, active post-retirement, and just expecting to sit on one's heels and rest is hardly a realistic plan for happiness. Don't just daydream about planting a garden, says Kivnick. Learn about gardening, and be ready for the day you'll be free to spend all afternoon with your hands in the dirt. Plan to stay involved in your community, with your family, with whatever has interested and intrigued you thus far. "Perhaps the most important and neglected aspect of getting older is the need to continue giving to others," Kivnick says. "The most unhappy people in the world are those who use retirement to withdraw from involvements, expecting that using their time to concentrate on themselves alone will make them happy They end up miserable."

Researchers at the Duke University Center for the Study of Aging and Human Development concur. Having family and friends isn't the answer to a happy life, but engaging actively with them is. And it seems possible that this involvement can help you live even longer.

It's also essential to know yourself. Your personality isn't likely to change so much that it becomes unrecognizable as you get older. Thus you can begin to speculate about the future in practical ways. It's never too early to start considering the basic questions: What's important to me? What life do I most want to live? With whom and where? Would I prefer to stay near my own family or to be in an elder community? Do I want to travel? How will I remain connected to the greater world? What contribution should I make? Once you're no longer bound by the structure of a formal paid job, the whole world can be your oyster.

There's no time better than the present for beginning to imagine an enjoyable, wise, active, and fruitful later life. Such planning can only add richness to the middle years as well. Says Kivnick, "How we are old depends very much on how we are young."

PHOTO (COLOR): Joanie Kiernan, 39, knows about makeovers. As a Redbook beauty editor, she made sure models put their best faces forward. More recently, she helped renovate Giorgio's, the New York City restaurant she manages, and which serves a mean Rigatoni Joanie.

PHOTO (COLOR): Trebor Lloyd, 50, had always been drawn to the arts. He'd been an actor, a director, and a writer. Then, thanks to a paralegal course, Lloyd became enchanted with the art of persuasion. So at age 42, he decided to go to law school. Last fall, Lloyd started his dream job at a law firm which specializes in intellectual properly.

PHOTO (COLOR): Marianne Giordani, 43, knows about life lessons. The eldest of five, Giordani left Detroit at age 19. But after a year at the University of Chicago, she headed for New York City and worked as a theatrical set painter before returning to college at age 35. Giordani is currently an English professor working on her Ph.D.