Step Two: Separate your life into meaningful stages: childhood, adolescence, and one or more adult stages. The number of stages is entirely personal, depending on the events of your life.
Step Three: Beginning with the first stage of your life, write your name in the center of the middle column. Next, place around you the names of significant same-sex individuals in your life at that stage (it's important to examine relationships with people of the same gender before those of the other gender). You can represent their importance to you by how close to your name you put them.
Connect each of these people to you with a line. Place a plus sign (+) by the connecting line if the person had a positive influence on you, a negative sign (-) if the person had a negative influence, both signs (+/-) by the line if the person's influence on you was essentially neutral.
When Alex filled out the same-sex Gendergram for his childhood, he identified four significant males: his father, grandfather Barnett, uncle Karl, and cousin Micheal. The latter three had a more positive effect on him; his father's impact he cited as essentially neutral.
Step Four: Under Relevant Information, list the significant life events that occurred during that stage of your life. What happened to you and your family--births, deaths, moves, divorce?
Briefly describe the nature of your relationship with each of the key people named in the center column.
Step Five: Reflect on what each of the significant people in your life at this stage taught you about being a woman or a man. Responding to the following questions about each person should help:
What explicit "gendered" rules did this person share with you ("Good girls act like this. . . ", "Boys don't do that!", "Young ladies don't do that!")?
What did you learn about men and women from watching this person (men do this, women do that, men don't do this, etc.)?
By observing how this person functioned in relationships, what did you learn about men and women (such as, who takes greater emotional responsibility for the relationship, who initiates activities, who has the final say in mutual decisions)?
How did the way this person treated you influence your beliefs about men and women (for example, men are noncommunicative, women are nurturing, women are seductive, men are playful and boisterous)?
Summarize the information in the Roles/Themes/Patterns column. Based on your experiences with these people at this stage of life, what did you learn about the roles of men and women? What themes were present in your beliefs about men and women? What patterns were present in your significant relationships at that time?
In childhood, Alex had pretty traditional male role models and thus was exposed to predictable themes and patterns: men's work absorbs their time and attention; men are not actively involved in their children's lives; men are rough, fun to be with, daring. Such roles can be dangerous, as Alex learned through the death of his cousin. But through his relationship with his grandfather, he experienced a caring, nurturing man. He has relied on what he learned in that relationship for his role as a father.
Step Six: Repeat steps three through five for the remaining stages of your life, again focusing only on same-sex individuals. Use additional sheets of paper as necessary.
Step Seven: Complete steps one through six for the significant other-sex individuals in your life. In Susans other-sex Gendergram, the somewhat nontraditional arrangement between her parents had an impact on her expectations for the division of labor in the home. She expected that her husband would take an active role in household tasks and child care.
Step Eight: This is likely the single most important step. Examine the Roles/Patterns/Themes column for both your same-sex and other-sex Gendergrams. As you reflect on the gendered messages you learned across the stages of your life, note those roles, patterns, and themes that are operating in your life and relationships today What are the consequences of each for your own well-being and for your relationship(s)? Which aspects of your gender identity and functioning in relationships do you want to continue? Which aspects do you want to modify or discontinue? How will you do so? Make a plan of action today.
As we developed the Gendergram, one of our basic assumptions was that we were not the experts on other people's gender-role expectations and behavior in relationships, they are. However, we did want people to examine the benefits and costs of the beliefs they hold and the behaviors they demonstrate.
GENDER MENDING
The bottom line is really: What is working for you, and what isn't? What changes will you need to make so that your relationship works for you? As Alex completed his Gendergram, he was more aware of the impact of his significant relationships on his gender-role behaviors and expectations. He and Susan have tried to create a marital relationship that is very different from the one his parents had. Lacking close experience with an egalitarian partnership, he struggles at times to do his share. The Barnetts have a part-time housekeeper for the deep cleaning, but they share the light housework, cooking, and laundry.
Tags:
1950's,
conflict,
contemporary society,
gender,
gender relations,
household,
interchange,
marriage,
pathways,
pizza,
relationship,
roles,
spheres,
third time,
women and men
