Of course, not all the issues that arise between partners are gender-related. But gender-role beliefs, being so primary to our identity, are the axis along which we organize what we perceive about our own and our partners behavior. Gender is typically such an obvious characteristic, and one so basic to the ways we interact with others, that we not only look at our partner as an individual but, at times, as a prototypical member of the Other Gender; we attach to the individual what we have come to believe about the group.
As the intimate representative of the Other Gender in our lives, our partners routinely ignite in us old loves, desires, hurts, fears, and traumas. These surface especially in issues rented to who is in control, who makes decisions about sex, money, children, and housework, and whether or not we are each loved by the other. But they could show up anywhere, depending on the unique gender-socialization histories of the two parties. Any issue, for a particular couple, could be a gender issue--say, who cleans up after dinner--while that same problem would not be a gender issue for another couple.
We typically don't ask what it means to our partner that the dishes aren't done or that one earns more money than the other or that one is responsible for finding baby-sitters. But even if we did, our partner might not know how to respond, so embedded are gender influences in a sense of self. A woman may assume that because she is the mother, and therefore primarily responsible for the children, she will need to find a baby-sitter if neither spouse is available to take care of the children. A man may not share his fears about financial problems because he assumes that the man is the person who should solve financial problems.
Even harder to discuss are gender-related experiences that have more to do with emotions than behavior. Couples often fight about who does what, but the fights may really be about feelings--what doing or not doing the tasks, spending time together or not spending time together, making love or not making love means to each partner emotionally.
Susan and Alex struggle with communicating affection and love. Alex is sometimes insecure in the relationship, requiring lots of verbal and physical expressions of affection. His parents did not have a good marriage and his romantic relationships prior to marriage were not very satisfying. Although Susan has no problem being expressive, she has come to realize that she expects men in relationships not to be so emotionally needy; she is in fact irritated when Alex acts this way. But the minute they try to talk about it, they usually end up fighting about the proper way to show affection, rather than discussing what giving and affection means to them.
Indeed, gender beliefs--dos and don'ts, oughts and shoulds--may actively prevent us from expressing what we want. A man who feels sad and lonely may hesitate to ask his partner to hold and comfort him because he may fear she will see him as less of a man. And he may be right; she may hold beliefs dictating that a man does not require comforting. Still, because of his fears he may be cutting himself off from needed nurturance that is readily available.
A woman may be angry with her partner but fear that he will see her as offensive if she expresses that anger directly. He might, but he also might be relieved to know precisely what he did to upset her rather than feel he has done something wrong--if only he could figure out what it is.
ENTER THE GENDERGRAM
As family therapists facing couples with seemingly insurmountable differences, and as individuals dealing with colleagues, friends, and our own intimate partnerships, we have struggled with these issues. No matter the content or the setting, what we have come to call the "bloody gender wars" always seemed to involve beliefs and expectations about what men and women should do.
We came to believe that what we needed was not only to find a way to identify gender beliefs that influenced interaction but to create awareness of why these beliefs were so important to the person who held them. That is, by making gender influences overt and therefore open to scrutiny we could be more objective about the struggles of both genders and pass this attitude or understanding on to our clients. Instead of arguing covertly over who was right, we wanted our clients to understand the process through which deeply held, but often latent, beliefs drove arguments about the way things ought to be.
To do this, we needed to find a way each panner could explore personal beliefs without fearing judgment. We wanted to help people understand the role of these beliefs in their lives, not debate the validity of these beliefs. We developed the Gendergram, a do-it-yourself exercise for making overt the hidden values, beliefs, role expectations, and assumptions about gender that we absorb during life and deploy in intimate relationships.
In the classic Frank Capra film It's a Wonderful Life, Jimmy Stewart's character, George Bailey, gets the opportunity to observe how other's lives would have been had he not been there. The Gendergram allows the reverse: you examine the impact significant others have had on you and your gender identity,
Your Life
A look at the Gendergrams of Alex and Susan suggest how to complete your own.
Step One: Divide a blank sheet of paper into three columns:
Relevant Information
Life Cycle Stage
Roles/Patterns/Themes.
Tags:
1950's,
conflict,
contemporary society,
gender,
gender relations,
household,
interchange,
marriage,
pathways,
pizza,
relationship,
roles,
spheres,
third time,
women and men
