I have been in a relationship with an amazing man for six years. We both have two children from previous marriages; we each have one preteen and one teenager. So far, we have taken our relationship very slowly, spending every other weekend alone together when the children are with their other parents. We slowly worked in spending time together with the children over the years. I support my boyfriend's wishes to keep things separate. The most important thing in our lives is the well-being of our children. But this has been very hard for me and is feeling increasingly harder as we begin to talk about marriage. My boyfriend wants to wait until our two older children are off to college before getting married and living together—another four years. Am I being completely heartless in not understanding that this is what is best for our children? Is this love really worth waiting for?
Your boyfriend may have legitimate concerns about the effects of dating and remarriage on his kids, but it would be best if he shared them with you. It's worth having a conversation in which you make it comfortable for him to confide concerns and to discuss facts unemotionally, and not pass judgment or press for marriage. This conversation will be a test of how you solve problems together in the future.
You need to know why he really wants to wait until the oldest kids are in college. It may be something simple, like worries about space for housing everyone under one roof. Or it may be something more complex, like a belief that it will somehow be psychologically easier on the children (it won't). Do both sets of kids know that you are on a course headed toward merging the families? Perhaps he has sensed some resistance among his children that he is not sharing with you. Do the two sets of kids get along? Perhaps his ex-wife has imposed a timeline or other restrictions for any of a number of reasons. Whether you realize it or not, she is an important player in what your boyfriend and his children feel comfortable doing. (Don't put her down in front of your boyfriend or his children; that will only complicate his attitude and subvert your cause.)
Also, you can't assume that things are the same for your boyfriend and his children as for you and yours. Children do not necessarily react to dating and remarriage of mothers and fathers exactly the same way. Children's attitudes and experiences can differ according to the gender of the involved parent.
The evidence suggests that adaptation to remarriage is easier for younger children than for teenagers. It may be especially hard on college kids. Out of the house, they may even feel awkward and betrayed that events long in the making are happening in their absence, as if home suddenly changed character on them behind their back. As they transition to adulthood, college kids especially like knowing that there is a refuge called home available when they need it.
Here are some study findings relevant to remarriage that you both may want to mull over:
- Most kids consider their parents' dating lives strange. It's simply not easy for kids, especially adolescents and teenagers, to witness their parents dating. What's more, kids worry about how possible remarriage will change their own lives, including new living arrangements, change of school, loss of friends, access to the noncustodial parent. Your boyfriend's kids may have worries, not shared with you, that are shaping his remarriage thoughts.
- Kids especially do not like to be involved in their father's dating life. This may be another factor affecting your boyfriend's reluctance to move ahead while they are at home.
- A child's view of a new relationship depends largely on the opinion of the other parent.
- Teens are especially reluctant to accept a new partner as a parent figure, so it is best for the new partner to serve more as a friend than to impose him- or herself as an authority figure.
- Many men do not want their ex-wives to know they are remarrying and thus keep it a secret until the remarriage occurs. This makes children feel abandoned and left out.
- Under no circumstances should parents ask their children for permission to remarry. Nevertheless, kids should be informed of plans and parents should talk to each child about what they expect, what they fear, and how they picture future family life. Only then can fears possibly be mitigated.
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