Running a company did not leave much time for relaxation, and Jonathan Christian Hudson, a 30-year-old New Yorker and founder of a social coaching start-up, hadn't taken a real vacation in more than two years. But last winter, during dinner with a group of friends at a Mexican restaurant, someone made an outlandish suggestion: Why not go to Mexico? Why not go, like...right now?
The friends headed to their apartments to grab passports and flip-flops and met back up at JFK airport. "I had a lot of trepidation going into it," says Hudson. "I try to be logical about the decisions I make, but this was highly emotionally—and alcoholically—driven."
The group purchased tickets on the spot ($250 apiece) and boarded a flight to Cancun. There, they lay on the beach and partied with the spring-breakers. The experience was "absolutely amazing," says Hudson. "I had more fun in those five days than in two years of living in Manhattan."
The spirit of misbehavior stayed with him when he returned to New York and his business obligations. "Yesterday I bought a skateboard," he says. "I haven't skateboarded in 15 years."
Misbehaving, or acting in ways we'd normally deem improper, can be good for our souls. It can boost our mood, leave us with a sense of liberation, get our creative juices flowing, and make for great memories. Although some people may misbehave too often, or even construct truly transgressive "double" lives, the rest of us are often overly fearful about breaking behavioral boundaries. For routine-oriented types in particular, modest misbehavior can have some very positive results. By exposing us to new and different ways of doing things and of presenting ourselves to the world, it can start a chain reaction resulting in more success and happiness.
The healthy approach to misbehavior, experts agree, is to occasionally break rules, norms, or expectations in ways that don't cause any serious harm. By doing so, we can test out roads not normally taken, and make sure we're on the path that's right for us. Misbehavior usually reaffirms our established ways just as it provides a refreshing break from them. But it sometimes reveals an even better direction in which to steer our lives. If we never misbehave, we'll never know what we're missing...and it could be something great.
Revise Your Rule Book
Our own guidelines mingle with the official laws and regulations imposed on us to influence almost everything we do—from what time we get to work, to how far over the speed limit we drive, to what kinds of white lies we tell. Since such guidelines vary from person to person, so do definitions of misbehavior.
We start developing our idiosyncratic behavioral codes when we're young, in part by registering the disapproval we get from parents when we do something they deem inappropriate, says Leon Seltzer, a clinical psychologist and the author of Paradoxical Strategies in Psychotherapy. Peers, teachers, and coaches also contribute to our early socialization as we soak in their perspectives on what is the "right" way to act. We're also born with raw personality material that inclines us to either comport ourselves badly (in the case of sensation-seekers) or too well (as with people-pleasers and conformists.) "Some people have inhibiting elements in their personalities that forbid them to go outside the box," says Seltzer. For many of us, boundaries have always been comforting. Still, it's important to figure out if those self-imposed limitations are squashing our potential and keeping us from leading a more fulfilling life.
As adults, we absorb even more behavioral expectations when we take on new roles as employees, neighbors, spouses, and parents. Problem is, adhering to others' expectations can keep us away from harmless natural tendencies that can help us flourish as individuals. The next time you find yourself suppressing the urge to strike up a conversation with a stranger, or to don a platinum wig, you might ask yourself why. If the answer is that the behavior might cause some eyebrows to rise, but there's nothing inherently wrong with it, try it anyway. You might make a new friend, or learn that you look fantastic as a blonde.
Paul Draper powered his way through a Master's program in anthropology and scored a professorship at UNLV, "to please my mom," he says. But a few years into his job, he butted heads with a senior colleague and decided to leave teaching to pursue his childhood passion. "I was performing magic tricks for my classmates when I was 8," he says.
He launched a career as a magician, losing his apartment and his girlfriend of five years in the process. "My mom's reaction was terror," he says.
"You need to come into your own authority," says Seltzer. "The great paradox is that in going beyond your self-imposed boundaries, you may get more in touch with who you actually are in the first place."
Step Away From Yourself
Simple misbehavior is a reprieve from the self, relieving the tension that builds up from an unrelenting focus on aspirations and duties. Hence the holidays, feasts, and other celebrations that most cultures and religions build in as a break from day-to-day difficulties.
"If you're working very hard toward a goal, you're going to want to let off steam now and then," says John Portmann, a professor at the University of Virginia and editor of In Defense of Sin. "It's better to do that every weekend or so, rather than refuse ourselves for too long and then explode."
There are lots of fairly safe ways to open the valve. Some people have a boys' or girls' night out, filled with drinking and dancing. Some gamble (it's OK, if you know your limits). A lot of people use fantasy. "That explains Internet pornography," says Portmann.
