Jealousy: Love's Destroyer

Jealousy has long been deemed the guardian of love. But more often it's love's downfall. We typically blame our partner for paying attention to another, but the real issue may be what jealousy teaches us about ourselves.

By Hara Estroff Marano, published on July 01, 2009 - last reviewed on August 24, 2009

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As a general insurance against jealousy, nurture your relationship. Take time to be together, and spend time talking even when apart. It's important to share your inner worlds with each other.
Make a decision whether you want to confront your suspicions or not.
If you feel suspicious, worried, possessive, threatened, or unsure regarding your partner—or, alternatively, you feel crowded, controlled, restricted, or blamed by your partner about friendships or activities—don't let your assumptions run away with themselves. Check them out with your partner. But first, reflect on how to put your thoughts into words.
The goal is to start a conversation non-belligerently, to be constructive and non-blaming. To avoid setting off defensiveness in a partner, use statements that begin with "I," not "you."
Identify a specific behavior of your partner's that is upsetting to you ("when you let that guy pour you a drink") and explain how it makes you feel.
Knowing how to give voice to things that disturb you is crucial. A good structure to follow has three parts: "I notice..." (you seemed quiet last night, or you were unusually friendly with that woman at the party). "I assume that it means..." (you were upset about something, or you were just being friendly). "I wonder..." (what it is and if you would tell me, or whether there is more to it).
Pause to be sure your partner is listening and to give your partner time to respond.