Opposite-sex friends can benefit from the inherently different relationship styles that men and women tend to display. "Women's friendships evolve around self-disclosure and personal feelings and emotions," says Fehr. "When men are friends with women, they tend to be more open and self-disclosing than they would be with a man. A lot of research shows that regardless of gender, the more we pursue closeness, the happier we are in that friendship." For their part, women can learn how to relax and be more spontaneous from their male pals.
The Takeaway: Don't shy away from opposite-sex friendships. A tame flirtation is a psychic boost; you can handle its challenges, and you'll each learn from keeping mixed-sex company.
5: Mixing Business with Buddies
"I should invite Alan to the fairway so I can find out more about the Peterson account. And he'd make a great wingman. Is he just going to think I'm a brownnoser?"
Your boss just "friended" you on Facebook, your top customer's wife invited you to her baby shower (looks like you'll be splurging on a gift for a near-stranger), and your nephew's soccer coach just thrust his resume in your face at afternoon practice: The line between work and leisure is rapidly blurring. In his book, Elsewhere, USA, sociologist Dalton Conley calls this new time weisure. And it's not necessarily a bad thing. Friends and acquaintances of your own friends are your best source for new jobs and clients.
Marketing guru Keith Ferrazzi, author (with Tahl Raz) of Never Eat Alone and Other Secrets to Success, One Relationship at a Time, lays out a central principle for leveraging relationships into career triumphs: Being a sincere, proactive pal is a much better "networking" strategy than handing your business card to everyone you meet. He found that enabling others to achieve their goals quickly improved his own standing in the world.
Here's how it works: Last year Gary helped Jessica get into graduate school; hosted a birthday blowout for Rick at his house; sent out warm, funny e-mails to all of his contacts to promote his brother's new startup; and found the perfect roommate for Erika. Guess who came to the charity event he held on behalf of his organization? Everyone. Not only did they owe it to Gary, they were inspired by his generosity and really wanted him to succeed. The event raised so much money that Gary got a promotion, granting him even more power to help his loved ones.
Don't wait until you're out of a job to call on your contacts, Ferrazzi warns. Keep up with everyone consistently, and connect people you know to others who could benefit from meeting them.
Once you're safely employed, it's a good idea to get close to a few like-minded coworkers. "Friendship is important in every arena, including work," says Sills. "It's emotionally sustaining, and in order to advance, you need allies and support." Survey research shows that 30 percent of employees report having a best friend at work. Those people are seven times more likely than those without a best work friend to feel engaged and happy on the job.
Still, hierarchies and professional codes of behavior complicate office friendships. "We like to think a coworker is a friend—and they could become one,"Pelusi points out. "But even the best intentions can get gravitationally altered by opportunities and competition."
Men are better than women at managing friendship and rivalry, says Sills. "A man can say to his friend, 'I aced you out today!' and they can laugh. Women are more likely to feel uncomfortable after outperforming a friend. If you do feel envious of a pal in your same field, let it motivate you. After all, if you've been managing your weisure time well, your friend's success will ultimately reflect well on you!
The Takeaway: Forget about building an impressive Rolodex. Live to help others, and they'll do the same for you. Form friendships in the office, but brace yourself for the inherent limits and competitive undertones of cubicle alliances.
*Names have been changed.
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