You might also try breaking your partner out of his or her daze by turning the situation into a game, as Madanes does when her partner fails to appreciate her efforts in the kitchen. "I refuse to have my feelings hurt that easily by anybody," says Madanes. So she has a dialogue with herself. "I'll say, 'Cloe, that was wonderful!' 'Thank you, it was nothing.' 'No, this really tastes good, thank you.'" Doing this in front of your partner may be a big enough hint to get him or her to chime in. Even if it doesn't, at least you're taking control of your own emotions and hauling yourself out of a reactive state. There's little room for feeling like a helpless victim of a partner's obtuseness; you've gained control over the problem.
But don't break out the champagne just yet; you have your own pattern to fix. We notice things that confirm our biases and ignore what doesn't, which means you're probably focusing on what your partner isn't giving you. And you'll find ample evidence of ingratitude. But recall that your partner's behavior has no inherent meaning; it's the meaning you attach to the behavior that pains you. So when your mate asks you to take out the trash and you feel like responding, "What am I, your slave?"—remember the goodwill you deployed at the relationship's start and focus less on receiving, more on giving.
6: Not Feeling Intimate
A couple, both young, successful lawyers, wanted a baby. But they had begun fighting in a way that made them feel hopeless about the relationship. Once home from work, she wanted to discuss their money problems; all he wanted was quiet. She'd follow him from room to room as he tried to escape conversation, ultimately planting herself in his path. Then he'd push her. By the time they sought therapy, they'd concluded they couldn't bring a child into such a violent environment.
Madanes said there was something the husband could do, but it was difficult and she wasn't sure he could do it. "I can do it," the husband insisted.
"In the future, whenever she begins to go after you and wants to discuss money—whether at home, at a party, on the street—put your hand under her blouse or her skirt and fondle her."
"You're not going to do that!" said the woman. "Oh yes I am!" said the man.
Not only did the tactic successfully interrupt the pattern of angry confrontation, it transformed it into a playful and warm dynamic. Within a month, she was pregnant.
Like all relationship irritants, lack of intimacy is a two-way street. If you're meeting all your partner's needs and filling him or her up with love daily, you'll both feel warm and close. "I hear so many men say, 'My wife suddenly left me, and I can't understand why, I gave her everything,'" says Madanes. "I say, 'You gave her everything except what she needed!'"
Feeling a lack of closeness often manifests itself in flirting with others. The flirting may be innocent in that it doesn't lead anywhere, but it can be hurtful and humiliating to a partner. "Flirting is a call!" says Robbins. "It says, 'Please notice me!' A partner who flirts is invariably searching for playfulness, attention, and fulfillment."
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