If your partner has a habit that he or she is not aware of but that drives you up a wall—keeping the bathroom door open, leaving bread crumbs in the butter dish, walking around in underwear—bring it up in a loving way. Maybe it simply never occurred to your partner that it bothers you.
Then there are the behaviors you've talked about ad nauseam but persist. If it seems like your partner just can't change this aspect of himself, it's time to take stock. Try reminding yourself what you have—and what you stand to lose. John Buri, a psychologist at the University of St. Thomas in Minneapolis, cites a colleague whose wife had a shrill, grating laugh. "He was always afraid she'd let loose with her ridiculous laugh, which was like fingernails on a blackboard for him," recalls Buri. Though the couple had a great deal in common, their connection slowly eroded because of this quirk. After 15 years of marriage, however, the wife developed cancer and died. "Now he yearns to hear that laugh just one more time," says Buri.
2: Messiness
In virtually every relationship, one partner is messier than the other. Eighty percent of couples living together say differences over mess and disorganization cause tension in their relationship, report Columbia University management professor Eric Abrahamson and Massachusetts journalist David H. Freedman, authors of A Perfect Mess.
"My boyfriend throws his dirty socks on the floor when he gets into bed," says Victoria, a legal recruiter in New York. "Once a man is living with a woman, he doesn't really see the need to clean up after himself. He assumes I'll just pick them up in the morning. It's disrespectful."
"He will never clean the way you want him to," says family therapist Cloe Madanes of La Jolla, California. "I cannot tell you how many couples are going to divorce over this."
If your partner can't seem to change sloppy ways, reframe the issue in your own mind. Instead of focusing on how inadequately he cleans, remind yourself how much you appreciate his contribution to household chores. Changing your perspective can not only resolve the irritating issue, it can mend the dynamic of the whole relationship.
3: Feeling Unloved
Motivational guru Tony Robbins, developer of the Ultimate Relationship program with therapist Madanes, grew up in a family in which everyone was encouraged to say whatever they felt whenever they felt it. "Our approach was, you can say it with all the intensity you want and we're going to resolve it right there," says Robbins. "If you got up and left the room or said, 'Screw it, I'm done, I'm not putting up with this,' my mom's rule for that was, 'This relationship is over.'" Growing up, Robbins absorbed those rules unconsciously.
Then he fell in love with a woman whose father never raised his voice, a man who left a room whenever he felt upset. "My rule was you stay and work it out; hers was you don't raise your voice."
The culture clash led to heartache. When Robbins got excited and raised his voice, his girlfriend felt hurt. She'd leave the room to avoid conflict, which to Robbins meant she didn't care about him. Both felt unloved. So they made a pact: He wouldn't raise his voice, and she wouldn't leave the room. It worked perfectly—until the day they were both stressed out. Robbins raised his voice, and she walked out of the room.
"You promised you wouldn't leave!" said Robbins.
"You said you weren't going to yell!" said his girlfriend, who stormed off. Furious, Robbins stalked after her. All of a sudden she jumped out from behind a door and said, "Boo!"
They both laughed so hard they forgot their fight. Her playfulness jarred him out of his negative state and reminded them how important they were to each other. She'd performed what Madanes calls a "pattern interrupt," shifting the frame of interaction so drastically that the hurtful behavior halts instantly.
Another way to stop a pattern of yelling is to offer constant love. "A yell is a cry for help," contends Robbins. "What someone is really saying is, 'I have no way to meet my needs, I'm freaked out, I'm out of control.' Getting into a warm, loving state no matter how crazy the other person is, being completely present—focused, attentive, connected—breaks such patterns."
When a partner is attacking you or making you feel unloved, a pattern interrupt is needed to shift the tenor of the interaction so completely that the viciousness vanishes. Instead of responding defensively by yelling back, recognize that no matter how badly your feelings are hurt, your partner is unable to support you at that moment and doesn't mean what he or she is saying. Soothe yourself and give your partner the calm needed. "Say, 'You can yell, you can scream, you can do whatever you want, but I love you and you can't get rid of me,'" advises Robbins. "We need that connection, that praise, the understanding; we need to have somebody who is going to be there and not run. That's how you break somebody's pattern."
4: Feeling Unappreciated
An attitude of goodwill is essential to all relationships; it makes us eager to do things to please our partners, especially if our efforts are acknowledged and appreciated. But if we feel our efforts are not being noticed—or, worse, that our partner notices only what we're not doing—we lose interest in performing those generous acts that further the relationship. We get irritable instead, and at the very least feel taken for granted.
"It's up to each of us to communicate what it takes to make us feel appreciated," says Sollee. "You can't assume your partner knows what to do."
Tags:
belief systems,
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drumbeat,
family of origin,
family therapist,
fundamental challenge,
irritants,
john jacobs,
john van epp,
leaky faucet,
looking at the world,
petty differences,
quirk,
SmartMarriages,
toilet seat,
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