No child is a complete angel. OK, not even close. And neither does the sun shine wherever he sets his foot. The truth: There's a bit of monster in every kid. Sometimes, a kid will push her limits to the bitter end, but it's up to the parent to set the boundaries and define right from wrong. According to Hara Estroff Marano, author of A Nation of Wimps: The High Cost of Invasive Parenting, warm and authoritative parenting can promote the development of empathy in a child no matter what the circumstance. Honest. Here are a few Marano pointers for the parent—not patsy.
Explain the Rules
Kids need and expect rules. If you are in a public place, for example, explain what behaviors you expect from your child. If she doesn't get a proper explanation covering the whats and whys, you are going to get a screaming child who wants the big fat chocolate cake she just saw in the bakery aisle. Tell her what you expect, be consistent, and stick to your rules. If she doesn't understand your limits, or if you are full of empty threats, she will likely push you.
That's Not Negotiable
This falls under rules, but certain non-negotiable things in life need to be highlighted. Not running into the middle of the street is one. Doing one's homework is another. When it comes to these things, there is no deal making whatsoever. Other non-negotiables: Brush your teeth, use sunscreen, do not lie, don't be rude (ever), do not bite, and do not kick your kid sister in the head.
Rights and Wrongs
The teaching component of discipline is invaluable to a child. Sure, a child pretty much knows what is right and what is wrong. In fact, he likely knows when he has misbehaved. Nonetheless, the parent must show him what is right. Every child looks for direction. Children often know the solutions to their predicaments. You just need to lead the way. Ask: "Is there a better way to handle this situation?"
The Purpose of Time Out
While this device is supposed to calm the child down, time out is often more valuable for the parent than the child. This nifty tool can keep a mother—who is at her wit's end—from reacting to a hot situation. In most cases a chair in the corner will work just fine. Sending a child to his room—which is full of stimulation—will do you no good.
Praise Good Behavior
A child who hogs a toy is nothing new to mankind. But punishment may not be the fixit that changes future behavior. According to The Kazdin Method for Parenting the Defiant Child by Alan Kazdin, of the Yale Parenting Center and Child Conduct Clinic, repeatedly praising good behavior is the better bet. And the more specific you are the better: "Great! You shared your building blocks with Johnny." Kids respond to praise more than punishment.
Don't Carry It Around
Discipline has to happen in the moment. Otherwise, it has no value. But do confine it to that moment, because bringing yesterday's argument into today will only confuse the matter at hand.
Never Humiliate
Don't humiliate a child in front of others. For example, avoid instructing her how to apologize if you are in the company of others. She is not even listening to you: She's plotting her revenge.
Ban the Explosives
Is your child kicking and stomping? Don't show your emotion. Calmly tell your child, "There will be no stomping." You cannot control a child's emotions, but you can ban the bad behavior. Sometimes, you can thwart unruly conduct through the use of distraction. Arm yourself, for example, with drinks, food, and books—especially if you are embarking on a long plane ride or other excursion.
You can't make a kid happy all the time. Remove him from a touchy situation and have a quiet, private chat. He must learn that screaming does no good, while asking nicely can work wonders.
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