As a British commando in the Special Air Service, John Geddes fought combat missions in the Falkland Islands and ran undercover ops in Northern Ireland and Bosnia. Unable to leave the action behind, he became a soldier-for-hire, protecting American and British media crews from hostile insurgents in Iraq. He now teaches private military contractors, bodyguards, and journalists to survive in war zones.
What draws you to this? The adventure? The money?
Both. The camaraderie from that military background. The adrenaline.
What's the transition to civilian life like?
Civilians don't understand why you risk your life in the first place, and once you get away with it, at least physically, why you go do it again and possibly become even more psychologically damaged than you are.
Psychologically damaged?
Friends of mine have committed suicide from post-traumatic stress. I used to have nightmares. Teeth grinding. Strangely, what balances you is more trauma and more adrenaline; working in a dangerous place again has more of a calming effect than anything else. When you're back in the jungle all you can think of is home, and when you're home all you can think of is getting back in the jungle.
Have you dealt with depression, too?
I've suffered more from survivor's guilt. I've been to over 50 funerals.
What's it like for your wife?
She's a stroke specialist. She sees a lot of death on a daily basis. Soldiers, nurses, fire fighters, policemen: They share a bond of being on the front lines, that camaraderie. She gets the gallows humor.
Are you afraid of dying?
When I was in Iraq, my nightmare was not of getting killed but of getting captured. I worry about my reputation. How's it going to look if I lose my client? If I'm captured and wind up on national TV in an orange boilersuit, how embarrassing would that be? So you have to fight to the death. There's no way I would have been captured alive.
Ever been in a situation you didn't know how to get out of?
Getting divorced after my first marriage. I've never felt so lost. I was fortunate to find a woman who took the brunt of the rehabilitation.
Can you sense when danger is imminent?
You develop a sixth sense. On the road in Fallujah, I saw a vehicle in the rearview and immediately knew something was going to happen. They fired AK rounds, trying to pull us over. I fired from inside the car, straight through my own door to preserve the element of surprise. From three feet, automatic fire, armor-piercing rounds, someone's getting hurt.
What did you feel at that moment?
A slight pressure on my trigger finger. Sorry, gallows humor.
How did it feel to kill someone?
It's adrenaline, a little bit of shame, thankful it wasn't you. It's not a natural thing to kill somebody. You never get used to it. But mostly it's exhilaration that you risked your life and got away with it again.
Tags:
adrenaline,
camaraderie,
combat missions,
daily basis,
dangerous place,
death,
falkland islands,
final analysis,
fire fighters,
funerals,
gallows humor,
insurgents in iraq,
mercenary,
military background,
national tv,
northern ireland,
policemen,
undercover ops,
War,
war zones
