For decades, my father had been complaining that it was time for him and my stepmother to downsize; he was tired of maintaining their five-bedroom home, but she didn't want to move.
In the past, I stayed out of their ongoing argument, but when I found my 80-year-old father, who is virtually blind due to complications from diabetes, on the roof with a bucket of hot tar, I decided I had to get involved.
A study, Aging in Place in America, mirrors their predicament. According to the report, 89 percent of seniors want to grow older without having to move from their homes—and more than half (53 percent) are concerned about their ability to actually make the move. The study also reports that seniors living at home are determined to maintain their independence, noting that they require—and receive—limited support from their children and caregivers.
I, like countless baby boomers, want to help my elderly parents find the best living arrangement for them. Sure, cleaning out their house, selling it in a lackluster market, finding a new home, and helping them move seem monumentally difficult. Yet the hardest part is helping them figure out what to do.
Of course, my parents don't make it easy. Not that long ago, Dad fired the gardener I had hired and even threatened to fire the man I was about to hire to plow the snow. Never mind that my stepmother is just as stubborn. She would rather give up cleaning the few rooms they use, than accept any help from me.
To make matters worse is my stepmother's increasing confusion while at the wheel. OK, so my father is not the most reliable witness—he is blind after all. (How can a person insist he is on the wrong road when he can't even see the road?) Another study found that elderly drivers have a higher rate of accidents per number of miles driven. You get the point.
After much discussion, my step mom finally agreed that it was too much for them.
I quickly found a buyer for their house, located a small condo near me, and negotiated the contracts. But the deal fell through when my parents and the buyers decided to compete for the buyers/sellers from hell prize. My parents did their best to sabotage the sale, even while trying to be practical.
Much later, we sat down to talk. And my parents admitted that they were scared about their future, scared to move, scared to start over in a place that was not their own. What's more, they were afraid of becoming too dependent on me—for everything. They wanted their own life. They didn't want the next step to be a nursing home. This is to be expected when you hear nursing home stories; one statistic shows that it's not unusual to find one nurses' aide per 30 elderly people, and another suggests that assisted-living facilities don't always offer proper medical care.
So it's not surprising that my parents were eventually overwhelmed by their true feelings. While the two of them are still debating the merits of moving, the good news is that we are refining the plan to better meet their needs no matter where they end up.
Right now, they may move to nearby New York City, a place where they have many long-standing friends, where there are large supermarkets with delivery services, numerous medical practices and hospitals, and places to worship—my stepmother even said she might want to sing in a choir again. Best of all, there's an abundance of nurses' aides. When the time comes, they'll be able to stay in their own home with a little outside help.
It's not nearly as convenient for me, but then it's a decision that makes them the happiest.
Tags:
accidents,
aging,
confusion,
dad,
decades,
elderly drivers,
elderly parents,
gardener,
lifestyle,
living at home,
Moving,
parents,
predicament,
retirement,
stepmother,
wheel,
witness
