Similarly, marital conflict and strain are associated with heart disease and mortality risk. For example, women who "self-silence" during arguments with their spouses are four times more likely to die over a 10-year period than their peers who express themselves. These women (23 percent of the wives studied!) may be bottling up anger out of fear of the husband's reaction. But suppressing feelings clearly has a negative effect on physiology, probably akin to stress damage, though the exact pathway isn't yet known.
Marital Sway
The good news is, you can influence your beloved's health just by changing your own behavior. Jody Sindelar, a professor at Yale School of Public Health, co-authored a study of 6,012 people over a course of 4 years. "In every single behavior we looked at, there was a big spousal effect."
If one spouse quit smoking, the other was six to eight times more likely to swear off cigarettes, too. If one gave up alcohol, the other was five times more likely to stop drinking. And if one got a flu shot or a cholesterol screening, chances were the other would, too. Contrary to what you might imagine, these effects aren't necessarily the result of a conscientious wife needling her husband; men had as much influence on women as women had on men.
Exercise, interestingly, turns out to be the exception, in that one spouse's lacing up the tennis shoes had a much milder influence on the other's tendency to do so. Sindelar explains that out of all the practices studied, getting in shape takes the most effort. You've got to muster your own willpower to get on the treadmill, no matter how pleasingly toned your honey is getting.
Positive lifestyle changes arise when one partner talks up salubrious actions to the other or simply creates a conducive environment, such as when Nettie Hartsock's husband, Andrew, quit his IT job to become a gym teacher and Pilates instructor.
Raising two kids and working a full-time job, Nettie hadn't exercised in years, but she tried out a few of her husband's classes and became a Pilates aficionado herself, practicing it about three times per week. "I have more energy and I'm less moody," she says, and he appreciates the companionship. "Having a regular activity to do together is really nice," he says.
Some pairs may even successfully attenuate the risks for physical maladies by attending couples therapy for other reasons. The therapy may have a beneficial effect on hostile or controlling behaviors, or stress-prone dispositions that undermine the health of one or both partners.
Nagging a sweetheart to alter her temperament or her bad habits, though, does not work, and can have the opposite of its intended effect: "The spouse is trying to be helpful—they don't want their partner to die! But the more they demand change, the less the other person is likely to change," explains Rohrbaugh. "Don't yell at your overweight spouse, but say, 'Let's go for a walk together,'" says McCarthy.
Even if you can't get your mate on board for therapy, you can adjust your mind-set, says Smith. "Find a way to not let them get under your skin." Not getting worked up each time she leaves the table for a cigarette break will lighten your mood, and may paradoxically push her to clean up her act. Hold your tongue for a week, and you may be pleasantly surprised.
Loving a Health Nut
Sometimes a spouse goes all out in his quest for a sound body, leaving his love behind. "My wife isn't as into fitness as I am and that's fine," says jock Andrew Hartsock. "I'm not going to go on a 50 to 100 mile bike ride with her, but we can ride around the neighborhood. We can still enjoy the activity together even without being on the same level." But compromise is not always so easy for the hyper-healthy and their sweethearts.
When 32-year-old Antima Sadhukhan's live-in boyfriend of 10 years adopted a raw-food diet, their relationship suffered. "I tried raw food, too, but I couldn't stand the taste and I felt horrible. I couldn't peel myself out of bed," she says. "Meanwhile, Alex was like the Energizer bunny."
Sadhukhan went back to cooked cuisine, and she and Alex, who always used to eat together, often at restaurants, started dining separately. "He'll eat before he leaves work and I'll eat before he gets home," she says. It's not a perfect solution. "At first, we argued about it a lot. I couldn't understand why this raw diet was so important, and I'd get offended when he wouldn't taste what I cooked," she says.
"One of the most dangerous things to say is, 'If you loved me, you would do this,'" says McCarthy. It sets up an unnecessary contingency. A better approach is to state your feelings and make a request that your partner can accept, modify, or say no to, without fearing it is a test of love.
Sadhukhan admits that though she'll never be able to completely adopt Alex's hard-core ways, a few filtered-down effects are appreciated: She's lost weight, and when she craves a snack, she reaches for the nuts and fruits he keeps in their kitchen, instead of junkier fare.
Hale and Not Hearty
While couples who thrive or suffer together grow closer, those who experience a divergence in health might fall apart. Health-mismatched pairs are more likely to get divorced than couples whose health is similar, whether good or bad. The risk of divorce is greatest for those who were happiest before the disparity emerged. Among couples battling a chronic disease, the partner in better condition typically reports greater personal life strain, worse social relations, and increased financial burden.
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