What If My Fiancé Is Gay?

Hara Estroff Marano gives advice on communication, perfectionism, the job market, and the in-laws.

By Hara Estroff Marano, published on July 01, 2008 - last reviewed on July 24, 2008

Congratulations! You got some response. Employers are making you mad because your expectations about what it takes to find a job are highly unrealistic. Remember all those kids you were competing with to get into college? Well, you're now competing with them to get a job—in a slowing economy. Had you educated yourself about today's job market you wouldn't find yourself infuriated by routine responses and minor episodes of rejection. Landing a job can take a lot of persistence.

Investing 45 minutes in crafting a letter sounds less like tapping heart and soul than taking the necessary time to articulate your interest in a company and your special qualifications. This is the moment to deploy your personal charm and best writing skills; it takes time and effort to polish such an introduction.

The onus is on you to distinguish yourself as an applicant. It is possible that the company you contacted had no specific job available, but was open to being impressed by the freshness, ingenuity, or creativity of a resourceful applicant. A company might then be willing to make a position available; picture a résumé being sent to a department head by the CEO with a Post-it Note saying, "Please take a look at this kid." Such informal recommendations carry considerable weight.

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A Bill for Many Hurts

Upon our recent visit (the first since 1989; we had never been invited) to my in-laws' Phoenix home, my husband fell getting out of their Jacuzzi and had to go to the emergency room. He had sprained his ankle and was on crutches for our two-week visit. Our insurance claim was denied, and our insurer wanted to sue theirs, but we declined and sent the bill to my mother-in-law. She called my husband to say that she was "disgusted" and added that "none of your brothers would do this." My husband and I are both disabled and receive Social Security Disability. My in-laws have more money than we do. My husband suffers from bipolar disorder and doesn't need this stress. Were we correct in sending them the bill?

Slipping and falling is a predictable danger arising from wet feet and wet surfaces, and an adult assumes that risk merely by bathing. Personal injury on someone else's property may be covered by their homeowner's insurance. Recovering the expense of the injury could have been an impersonal matter between insurers, but you chose to make it personal—your first mistake.

It's hard to imagine that you actually expected a positive response, given the chilly nature of the relationship. Still, you and your husband set yourselves up to be at the mercy of their personal decision—and now don't like it because it doesn't go in your favor. You can't have it both ways.Your mother-in-law certainly could have used more tact in talking to her son.

None of this revolves around who has more money, and believing it does is your second major mistake. The third: expecting from your husband's parents payment for hurts the two of you have incurred. You and he are grown-ups now, and regardless how generous or stingy his parents are, it is your responsibility to look at them with realistic expectations. Further, you can take responsibility for engineering a better relationship; you don't have to be powerless supplicants.

No one "deserves" to deal with stress of this kind, but you and hubby played major roles in creating the current situation and in refusing resolution through channels set up for that purpose. You simply wound up with a new supply of ammunition to continue the stressful wounded-child status you and your husband seem determined to cling to.

Send your questions to askhara@psychologytoday.com.