What If My Fiancé Is Gay?

While you probably now feel deeply unsettled about your future, you should be grateful that your fiancé told you sooner rather than later. He is likely struggling with his own desires, and hoping marriage will magically transform his inner landscape to match the cultural norm. Of course, it does nothing of the kind.

This is the time for a frank and loving talk with your fiancé—not easy because you have much invested in the relationship and its future. But the likelihood that gay attraction is a thing of his past is not great. You don't want a relationship that looks fine on the surface but which encourages him to have furtive gay encounters (think: Larry Craig).

Thank your fiancé for his difficult disclosure and let him know you've been thinking about it. You might tell him you know that romantic attractions are not completely a matter of choice and ask him to tell you honestly about his attractions for other men. For you, one resolution could be ending the engagement, maintaining a friendship, and looking for a new partner. For him, much more is at stake—confronting his own identity as a sexual being and, perhaps, the way the world looks at him. Be kind; draw not just on your disappointment but on your affection for each other.

Punished by Perfection

I am a mid-30s professional woman with advanced degrees. I entered a career based on my parents' demands, and took on a large educational debt. I exercise to excess to keep my grandmother happy, as she believes it's a woman's responsibility to be thin.

At work, I routinely let vacation days lapse so that I won't inconvenience my coworkers. I have never taken a sick day. During my recent pregnancy I missed doctor's appointments to be at work, performed more tasks than my coworkers, came to work early and left late, and generally put my health at risk. My coworkers' own wives are pampered. Now I am financially, spiritually, and physically broken. I have been demanding more respect but this "rocks the boat." How do I retrain people to treat me with deference?

You are caught in the trap of perfectionism, a steady source of negative emotions because it keeps you focused on the very thing you most want to avoid—negative evaluation. At heart, you are haunted by uncertainty about how well you perform your tasks. The impossibly high standards you set for yourself are not just wearing you out; they lead you to see your coworkers (and their spouses) as inferior. As long as you hold that view, you will never get their respect.

After decades of trying to be what others want, you need to figure out what you want. Then you can meet with coworkers and seek their help in designing a new set of expectations and routines for all of you.

You can't demand respect; you have to generate it. One way is to articulate very clearly what you will now do and what that means for your coworkers, and give them the chance to reconfigure their own practices to meet the (unchanged) goals for the group. Taking initiative and speaking unemotionally and without condescension will help create the respect you want. Identify three work changes you want to make. Be specific (for example, coming in and leaving on time; taking all your vacation days; and so on). Don't ask for permission to change; you're not ducking responsibilities, just seeking a better balance of responsibilities for all. Tell coworkers that changes in your own life have highlighted the need for a fair distribution of workload for everyone. You can confide that because of your own quirks, you have long donated personal time to your job, but that is no longer possible, and you don't expect anyone else to sacrifice personal time. Then ask them how you can all be sure that the tasks of the group will still get done well. Make a list of the redistributed tasks for all. And thank everyone for their cooperation.

Entering the Real World

By email, I inquired about a job as an assistant to a chief executive. First I was asked what I thought the position would entail. Then I was asked my qualifications. I sent a detailed cover letter. Today the company wrote that the CEO doesn't need an assistant, but with my passion and determination, I will surely find a position somewhere else.

After I explained what the job entailed, why couldn't I have been told that the CEO doesn't need an assistant? You pour out your heart and soul and then get a two-line response a monkey could have written. It's infuriating.