Something's happenin' here... What it is ain't exactly clear...
The entrepreneurial CEO of a New Ideas Investment startup approaches his Head of Business Development. "We need a heart-to-heart," he says. "I'm upset about the way we've been talking to each other."
An ordinarily sanguine Marketing Manager is so frustrated by her inability to get three product teams to cooperate that she breaks into tears at a joint meeting. The tears get through to her colleagues where professional dialogue has failed. They sit up, listen, and make some unexpected progress.
The administrative staff of a Real Estate Trust respond cheerfully when asked if their feelings have a place at the office. "No one here is especially nuts," one said, "but we do get upset about things. When we do, the partners' doors are always open." "Doesn't mean they necessarily change things to make us feel better," said a second. "But they listen seriously."
And this description, from a partner in a large urban law firm: "We're a pressure cooker. So we hired a firm administrator who is really kind of an in-house shrink. You have a problem with a co-worker, or with a client—go in there, get it on the table, and work it out."
What is this sometimes subtle, sometimes seismic shift in the office emotional code? Is sensitivity suddenly sneaking into the 60-hour workweek? Or is this only empty gesturing in the direction of emotional correctness?
Maybe it's a little of both. But in either case, a little could go a long way.
Certainly the old tyrannical, if unwritten, emotional behavior code is still firmly entrenched—namely, that any and all displays of feeling will immediately be categorized as Good, Bad, or Girlish.
The Good is pretty much restricted to that enthusiasm defined in leadership manuals as a demonstration of "passion," whether for sales, stock price, or product excellence. Every other emotional display—rage, jealousy, anxiety—would likely be labeled as Bad. Girlish brands as taboo any emotional expression at all on the part of a woman, especially that most egregious of female sins, tears.
Of course, plenty of both the Bad and the Girlish are on display anyway. Crazed colleagues are as common as morning coffee, and lost tempers remain the privilege of bosses everywhere, even though officially frowned upon.
From a distance, the traditional code may appear rock solid. Express too much feeling and you blow your image as a dispassionate decision maker. Disguise your feelings beneath an even demeanor, deny their role in your decision-making, and you will come closest to that strong, rational problem-solver who gets the promotion. Disguise and deny still works.
Lately, though, something is starting to work better. Emotional understanding is seen as a meaningful tool in the arsenal of management. This thinking turns disguise and deny on its head, emphasizing instead the ability to identify and express feelings as a sophisticated step in personal and professional development.
In this new and improved perspective, emotion is not Bad, Good, nor particularly Girlish—just a fact of human experience. Leaders are being encouraged to step back and understand the way their emotions are influencing a particular judgment. Such emotional analysis improves both professional relationships and the quality of decision-making, thus benefiting both leaders and organizations.
A good leader may make a decision based on the numbers. A great leader makes a decision based on the numbers plus an understanding that the decision is partly driven by competitive pride. Then the leader assesses the role that pride plays and takes a more careful look at the numbers to be certain that pride isn't making them read the numbers wrong.
Great leaders today are encouraged both to recognize their emotions and to manage them. Got a gut feeling? Terrific. But identifying the source of that feeling is even better. Sometimes your gut is right ("I don't trust this guy. I've seen this smooth approach before and learned it's a con."); sometimes it just holds you back ("I don't trust this woman. But really sharp people always make me uncomfortable at first. Maybe I should calm down and give her another chance.").
Outstanding leaders are cultivating the ability to identify and appropriately express the feelings that influence them. These are double strengths. First, no one can be truly rational until they have correctly recognized their own irrational, emotional ebb and flow. After all, if you can't call it, you can't correct for it.
Second, when you get comfortable knowing when and how to express strong feelings, you can use your anger, your frustration, even your worry, as communication tools. Not to shout or to berate, but to say clearly, "I'm frustrated and I need a break," which is definitely a step beyond simply disappearing behind a closed door.
No hysterics, please, but we no longer have to pretend that we weren't bothered by an insult. We're learning to speak up calmly: "I was offended by that comment."
When feelings can be a relaxed part of office discourse, resentments simmer less and staff is less distracted. A leader who nurtures a culture of emotional identification and appropriate expression gets a team that can really talk to each other. That's likely to create a smarter, more satisfied staff, quicker to resolve conflicts and solve problems.
The code change is a work in progress. Expressing your feelings without overwhelming your office is a tough balancing act. Even compassion takes a back seat to the bottom line most of the time. —Judith Sills, Ph.D.
Damage Control
Face it—sometimes we slip and leak pain, fury, or frustration all over the conference room. If you've had recent spillage, consider cleaning up with some combination of the following:
Tags:
babies,
belief that,
co worker,
demonstration,
emotional behavior,
facets,
fait accompli,
heart to heart,
marriage,
perfect in every way,
perfectman,
pregnancy,
pressure cooker,
ready to have a baby,
relationship,
rush,
seismic shift,
stock price,
time at home,
unilateral approach,
wedded bliss,
wrong choice
