Solitude by choice is a completely different matter. Some people are natural introverts who simply crave peace and time to themselves, like Evelyn Strand*, a consultant to international nonprofits. Every month, she jets off to places like Afghanistan or Sweden, where she spends weeks networking with strangers. The success of her projects often depends on having strong, mutually trusting relationships with local government officials, and she is very good at inspiring people and winning their respect.
When her work is done, though, all she wants to do is kick back at home with her husband and her cats. She moved to her current town more than a year ago, but hasn't made any local friends. "I seek the company of very few people," she says. "Sometimes I really don't want to talk to anyone at all." She is what Jonathan Cheek, a psychologist at Wellesley College who has cataloged varieties of shyness, would describe as a nonanxious introvert: She likes people—and they like her—but only in small doses. "If you're mentally exhausted, talking to people requires energy," Strand says. "I enjoy it, but it's an expenditure."
Though content to be lost in her own world, the loner-by-choice is often made to feel like a weirdo by others who crave social interaction and can't imagine that she wouldn't benefit from getting dragged along to a party or baseball game.
Fearing social events rather than loathing them can set people back, if shyness prevents them from having fulfilling relationships or acts as a barrier to creative or professional achievement. Some types of shyness are even associated with depression. But some—Cheek calls them the "secure shy"—have figured out how to have good relationships in spite of their social anxiety. They don't have a lot of friends, but they also may not need a lot of friends. Just as with nonanxious introverts, the secure shy don't seem to be very limited by the trait, says Cheek. "Not everybody's a people-person."
Mommy's Favorite
I love one child more than the other.
People strive to be fair, just, and equitable with each of their children. But in their heart of hearts, many parents harbor stronger feelings for one of their offspring than for the others. And they feel terrible about it—even though family psychologists say it doesn't necessarily pose problems.
Christina Martin*, a 29-year-old Virginia mother, had a happy family with two biological daughters and a stepson, all of whom she loved equally—even the boy who wasn't biologically hers. So when she found out she was pregnant with a fourth, she was dismayed. Three was plenty.
She was even more surprised, after the baby was born, to find she felt a special connection to her littlest. That child, now 2 years old, is secretly her favorite. "I don't think I got excited about her until she was born," Martin says now. "But I feel a stronger bond with her than with any of my others." Martin thinks maybe it was her residual guilt over not wanting to be pregnant that sparked the connection and ironically brought them closer. She feels very guilty about it, and says she'd never admit it to anyone she knows.
Research with older mothers and adult children, however, suggests that feeling a stronger bond with one child is the rule rather than the exception. In a study, a whopping 80 percent of moms over 65 said they have a favorite among their grown children. Sometimes a child who has physical or emotional difficulties will be the favored one; mothers also often prefer the youngest.
In this research, the adult children were often wrong when they guessed who their mother's favorite was. However, in work by New York University sociologist Dalton Conley, adult children nearly always agreed that one child among the family was favored, and generally agreed on who it was, although parents usually denied it. "It's happening all the time, but people don't want to acknowledge it," he says. "There is such a strong taboo against treating your kids differently."
Most of the research into "parental differential treatment," as it's called, suggests that as long as the children perceive the unequal treatment as nonetheless fair, it won't damage familial relationships. Kids understand that their brothers and sisters have different needs, especially at different times in their lives. So family psychologists encourage parents to explain why they might offer one child more support, or give one more freedom—even though it's the last thing most parents want to discuss.
* Name has been changed
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