It seems, though, that the men I date still cling to a cultural norm of "Me Tarzan." Before long, they feel entitled to interrupt me; judge my personality, appearance, and home; and imply that their careers are more demanding, successful, or important than mine. Behaving rudely seems prevalent among men whose intelligence and achievements match my own. It seems that any relationship will involve struggling to earn respect from some self-appointed male arbiter. Is this a clear-eyed analysis of the situation, or a side effect of the depression for which I'm successfully undergoing treatment? Should I opt out, move on to some other dating pool, or keep kissing frogs?
It's really stunning the degree to which we are the architects of our own discontent. There's no question that you have to kiss a lot of frogs, but you shouldn't be struggling over these issues. You seem to think it's always arduous to earn respect, but it's not if you kiss the right frogs and if you know how to assert and express your needs gracefully—and believe it's OK to do so. I hate to break it to you, but not all the successful, attractive men out there are rude, dismissive Tarzans. Maybe not even most. It's just that you have finely tuned antennae for spotting them, and more to the point, a belief system that fundamentally endorses them. Somewhere you bought into the idea that success entitles men to any behavior they damn well please. And perhaps you are so ambivalent about your own success that a subordinate role in relationships, no matter the other costs, assuages deep doubts about your femininity or worthiness.
Of course, having to constantly subordinate your own needs to a partner's will foster resentment, but becoming the junior partner cannot happen without your knowledge or consent. One of the basic rules in life is that we are all responsible for ourselves. Relationships don't mitigate this responsibility, although in the best of them, individuals advance their partner's well-being as much as their own. But you keep ceding responsibility for your own needs to avoid open conflict, perhaps because you sense that disagreement with a controlling guy would be unpleasant. I'm sure it is, and so you'd rather appease and suffer a lifetime of resentment. Such powerlessness is a passport to depression. You definitely need to learn ways of expressing your opinions and standing up for your needs that are matter-of-fact and not confrontational. Perhaps you need to learn what your own needs are and how to ask for what you want. It's also time to figure out why you find mean men so appealing.
What makes you so averse to conflict? Did you grow up in a household where a woman's perspective was devalued, so that such a pattern feels "natural"? Or did constant conflict make life unpleasant or unpredictable? Perhaps you are averse to conflict because you have never seen good ways of working out the differences that are inevitable in any relationship. There are many ways of negotiating those differences without setting off a war. You may not always get what you want, but being heard and respected will preclude resentment over being stepped on.
How do you get power back? You ask for it in a way that raises the odds of getting it. "You know, I really enjoy discussing lots of things with you, but I don't like it when you interrupt or dismiss me; it makes me feel like you don't value me. I promise to listen to you without interruption or put-down if you promise to do the same for me." Your partner will likely have sudden respect for you.
And if you don't get it? You have to be willing to demonstrate how important respect is to you. "You're terrific in many ways, and I would love to keep seeing you, but I can't be in a relationship without some simple demonstration of respect. Unless we can fix it, this interruption and put-down thing is a deal breaker for me."
Send your questions to askhara@psychologytoday.com
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