Advice: What If My Fiance Is Gay?

I'm engaged to a man I love. I had no worries until two weeks ago, when he confessed that he used to have gay relationships. I can't stop thinking about it. Why, then, is he attracted to me? Will making love with me begin to bore him? And what if he decides I'm just not enough? I just wish he'd never told me.

Used to have? And engagement and marriage, of course, will change that? Someone here is still counting on the tooth fairy. For most people, especially men, a sexual orientation to people of the same gender is not like a coat, something you choose after much deliberation, parade around in for a while, and then stow away for some future season. It is something that is built way below the level of awareness, starting at an early age, and operates at a very deep level within, probably indelibly.

What you need to know, however, is that he genuinely likes you and his feelings for other men have nothing to do with you; his sexual orientation is not a measure of your attractiveness or whether you are, or are not, enough. It's about how his brain is wired. Because it runs counter to the norms of just about every culture, and counter to the expectations of most parents, homosexuality can be very difficult for some people to accept about themselves, and your fiance is probably one of them.

While you may feel deeply unsettled about your future, you may ultimately be grateful that your fiance told you sooner rather than later. He is probably struggling with his own desires and hoping marriage will magically transform his inner landscape. It does nothing of the kind. More usually it creates heartache in a person who feels completely deceived and rejected.

This is the time for a frank and loving talk with your fiance. Hopefully you can put aside your anguish for the duration and muster some empathy for his dilemma; after all, you do love him. For sure this is going to be difficult, because you already have a lot invested in the relationship and in dreams and plans for the future. But the likelihood that gay attraction is a thing of his past is not great. What you don't want is a relationship that looks fine on the surface but which encourages him to have furtive gay relationships. Think Larry Craig. Who knows what your husband could then be bringing home.

Thank your fiance for his difficult disclosure and let him know you've been thinking about it a lot. You might tell him you know that romantic attractions are not completely a matter of choice and ask him to tell you honestly about his attractions and feelings for men. For you one resolution could be withdrawing from the engagement, maintaining a friendship, and looking for a new potential partner. For him, much more is at stake—confronting his own identity as a sexual being and, perhaps, the way the world looks at him. Be kind, and draw not just on your disappointment but on your affection for each other.