Your shock meter is obviously set to the wrong frequency. The doctor was violating professional ethics by starting a personal relationship with you after you became a patient. That should have sent up a bright red flag about his character. Some cheaters particularly like the cheating. It supplies most of the thrills; they are always scanning for possibilities. That sounds like Doc. Others get drawn into an affair without actually setting out to do so. People may be open to the attention of others for a variety of reasons. Many who have affairs, maybe most, meet a person who excites them or flatters them or distracts them or helps them grow, and they get caught up in the affair even against their own moral codes.
You walked into a serial cheater's trap because you delegated your safety to someone else, putting Doc in an even greater position of power than doctors normally have over their patients. Handing men power over your state of mind seems to be an M.O. with which you are all too comfortable. Ultimately each of us is responsible for our own happiness. You need to explore why you rush to suspend your own powers of critical judgment and cede responsibility for your own well-being. Maybe it's a pattern you saw in the home you grew up in. The problem is, a big power imbalance tends to invite abuse of some kind. You also make the mistake of thinking that everyone is like you. They're not. On good days, that's what makes life interesting.
The Living-Room War
My parents fight all the time. They have no respect for each other, they shout and insult each other—it's hell every day, stealing my peace of mind and turning me into an angry person. I sometimes feel I behave like my mom and treat my boyfriend the way she treats my dad, trashing him. I know the best solution is to move out, but that's not possible right now as I'm paying for college.
It is definitely difficult to live in a battle zone without being affected by the hostilities. We absorb the patterns of our parents in the air we breathe. Without our knowledge or consent, the constant exposure to negative ways of reacting instills them in us. They become the default mode of our own behavior, so you find yourself treating your boyfriend the way your mother treats your father, when you don't even mean to. The constant fighting also furnishes constant disappointment and acts as a constant irritant, which you cannot wholly escape right now. But there are things you can, and must, do.
If you can do only one thing, find a small routine all your own that calms you. Preferably it will involve something active, to help dissipate some of the nervous energy. Is there a 15-minute or half-hour walk you can take to a pleasant place? A quiet meditation in a nearby park or on the roof of your house? Carry out this little routine regularly, and especially whenever your living situation feels overwhelming. It will not only depressurize you but interrupt the emotional chain reaction that makes you angry. It puts you in control of your own emotions.
You might also try talking to your parents, together or separately, and telling them how much their fighting affects you. They really may lose sight of this in the heat of battle and need reminding. Ask them to make the effort not to fight when you are in the house. You're not asking them to stop fighting all the time, just when you're around.
Send your questions to askhara@psychologytoday.com
Tags:
advice,
affection,
amusement park,
arguing,
dating,
legitimate need,
parents,
spending time,
torture chamber,
two brothers,
unconventional wisdom,
walking down the street
