He Gives Me No Affection
I am 25, and my boyfriend (24) isn't giving me the affection I need. I sometimes wonder if I'm exaggerating the problem. I was a middle child and my parents didn't have the time to deal with me, as they did with my two brothers. My boyfriend says he doesn't know what I want from him. I say "communication, understanding, attention." He doesn't get it.
Communication is important, but your boyfriend has a point. He is genuinely perplexed and he's telling you so very straightforwardly; he doesn't know exactly what to do to communicate affection to you. Saying you need communication is like saying you need fun: It will be hit or miss until you can specify exactly what kinds of things mean fun (or affection) to you. After all, one man's amusement park is another person's torture chamber. But even before you and your boyfriend learn how to communicate about needs, remember that dating is by definition a period of experimentation. Not every dating relationship is worth salvaging, and not everyone who dates is committed to working out problems. Affection is a legitimate need, and people do differ in their level of comfort in giving and getting affection emotionally and physically. It may be that you two are mismatched on that need.
Devoting brain cells to figuring out where your need for affection came from is less important than making your need for affection work for you in a relationship—this or any other one. Part of the dating experiment is to learn what your own needs are and how to communicate them successfully—asking for what you want in a way that will help you get it. The trick is to identify which behaviors of his communicate affection to you and to ask for more of that. So, you might say something like, "I like spending time with you and I especially like when you pay attention to me when we are in a group, or hold my hand when we are walking down the street, or kiss me in public, or send me e-mails from work"—whatever he does that you like. If you do your share of communicating, perhaps your boyfriend will find it easier to give you what you need. If not, then it's time to move on.
A Stepson and His Biomom
Why does my 17-year-old stepson continually give his biological mom another try at a relationship? For years he was never her priority. Before she filed for divorce, when the boy was 8, she had multiple affairs, stole money from her husband's business, continually lied to her son, was verbally and physically abusive to him, and even blamed him for all her problems. That evening, two years ago, my stepson cut his forearm in an act of self-mutilation. After almost a year of having nothing to do with his Biomom, he recently resumed a relationship with her, despite discovering that she spent money set aside for his college education. What makes a child want to give a parent another try, even though that parent repeatedly lies and disappoints?
You may be a far nicer person than your stepson's mother, and I certainly hope so, but don't take his interest in her as a rejection of you. It has nothing to do with you. If you are truly concerned with your stepson's state of mind, then you need to widen your perspective and see the situation from his point of view. As your husband's current wife, you are in some ways a rival to his mother; you can't help but see her in a negative light. A child needs to see a parent in the most positive light possible, even if you have to help cushion the blows—just because you know better. Your stepson is coming of age and will likely grow to accept the painful truth about the kind of person his mother is. But you can't shove it down his throat.
Every child wants—needs—to feel loved by both parents; that is the way a human being comes to know that he is lovable, worthy of inhaling and exhaling, of walking the face of the Earth. It's no surprise that an incident of rejection—being blamed for his mother's problems—is followed by cutting. Self-mutilation is what people do when they cannot express in words the emotional pain they feel.
Focus less on your bafflement than on your stepson's pain. Find the part of yourself that is capable of empathy. For as long as he lives, your stepson will probably pursue his mother's acceptance; he may not even be able to accept anyone else's love until then. Your job as partner to your husband is to encourage the boy to have as normal a relationship as possible with BioMom. You can commiserate with him about how painful it must be to reach out to her and get hurt in return. You can express your sorrow that his mother is mired too deep in her own problems to give him what he needs. You can also let him know that his mother probably loves him but doesn't know how to show it (probably because she didn't get it as a child) and that when she lashes out at him, she is doing so not because he is a bad person but because she can't cope well with life.
Seduced by My Doctor
While I was divorcing my abusive husband, I was under the care of a doctor who presented himself as single. We developed a platonic relationship. Later I discovered he was married, but continued seeing him. He lifted the weight off my shoulders. Once my divorce was final, we began a sexual relationship, which at first was difficult, as my husband had been my first sexual partner, and the only one for 14 years. Eventually I discovered the doctor was having yet another relationship. I was shocked. I thought we just happened to find each other. Why am I not angry or revolted by his behavior?
Tags:
advice,
affection,
amusement park,
arguing,
dating,
legitimate need,
parents,
spending time,
torture chamber,
two brothers,
unconventional wisdom,
walking down the street
