My husband appears to have a problem making decisions. He will make one decision and five minutes later he will have changed his mind to make another decision. What causes this type of behavior?
Is your husband open-minded? Does he just want it all? I'm going to assume that neither of you are very happy with his dithering. Keeping all our options open forever won't help us make our way in the world. In fact, decisiveness is a highly valued trait among leaders in all fields. The fable of Buridan's Donkey tells of an animal that starved to death because he was equally distant from two bales of hay; as soon as he looked toward one, he contemplated the advantages of the other, and on and on ad infinitum.
Let's look at what typically causes indecisiveness. Usually, people are risk-averse. That means we bug ourselves about losing out on something. However, we also experience "buyer's remorse," immediately regretting a decision. Why so much cognitive whiplash?
Much of it stems from our irrational (and impossible) need for certainty. Obviously, making a good decision is important, but when we escalate that preference into an ironclad need to get it right, not only do we get indecisive, we also fret and worry about any decision we do make. To pile it on, we reverse decisions, and then worry about that!
Unless your husband is suffering from depression, lack of self-confidence, or an anxiety disorder, my sense is that he is succumbing to an extreme form of what we all tend to do: worry about decisions.
Your husband could work on questioning his beliefs, such as, "I should know exactly what I want, and I can't make any decision unless I do." He also may be saying, "I need proof immediately that I make the Right Decision, and that There Is Only One Right Decision. Since there cannot be a single right decision, it would be better for him to learn to accept and embrace the decision he makes, even if it turns out not to be a great one—because regretting decisions is a real happiness-killer. We tend to regret what we fail to do much more than what we actually do (even if we have minor regrets).
Encourage your husband to make even small decisions as he learns to be more resolute. Likewise, encourage him to accept errors without condemning himself, should he happen to regret a decision. I recommend he permit himself a "vacation from regret" for one whole week, in which he practices making a choice, accepting the commitment, and refusing to look back. Then try this strategy for a second week. Repeat until decisive!
Tags:
anxiety,
anxiety disorder,
decision,
decisiveness,
fable,
five minutes,
husband,
indecisive,
indecisiveness,
making decisions,
preference,
Proof,
relationships,
remorse,
right decision,
suffering from depression,
whiplash
