Neanderthink: No Shame on You

We cloak our true selves for fear of exposure, working hard to create a grand facade. But that often leaves us unfulfilled, because even if we create a convincing front, the message it sends us is clear—our true self is unacceptable. The message "I had better posit a facade lest I be found out" only perpetuates excessive shame. Be yourself without abashment—but with sensitivity and awareness of the effects of your behaviors on others. No shame in trying.

Nando Pelusi, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist based in New York City.

Embarrass This!

When self-rating leads to paralyzing shame or excessive pride, you can take some simple steps to extricate yourself from the emotional quagmire.

• Ask yourself whether you really become a foolish person if you act foolishly. Experimenting with new activities with new people is liberating and usually well worth the risk.
• Assert your right to look foolish. You'll find that your confidence grows.
• Accept your failings. Even if you have acted stupidly in the past, determine to do better next time.
• Rate your traits and behaviors critically if they warrant it, but refuse to rate your entire self.
• Do something socially "shameful" to show yourself that nothing terrible happens.