I'm newly divorced although separated for over a year. I started dating right after my husband moved out and find myself getting serious with a long-distance boyfriend of five months. We see each other one weekend a month. I recently realized that I have always had a boyfriend, often finding a potential new one before ending the previous relationship. I either get involved with men I know are not good for me—my ex was verbally abusive—or I find myself sabotaging a healthy relationship so that my partner ends up leaving me. Either way, I always end up with a broken heart and don't want to go through this all again. I'm falling in love with my new boyfriend and am panicked that I'll do something to cause the relationship to end.
How lucky you are to have an endless string of boyfriends, but hitching up with abusive men who hurt you suggests that you would rather be with someone—anyone—than with yourself. And while you are not responsible for their abuse, you may be paving the way for it through desperation and dependence. That you actively push away men who are not abusive suggests you have an underlying set of beliefs about a) yourself and b) the way men are supposed to behave in relationships, and that you are not aware these beliefs are guiding your experiences.
Abuse thrives where a power imbalance exits. You may create a power imbalance by being so willing to be with a guy that your neediness becomes palpable and you essentially hand over responsibility for your own happiness to your partner. While a woman's dependence may at first make some clods feel more manly, it eventually becomes burdensome (it will take longer for the burden to be felt in a long-distance relationship). Here's the catch: most guys come to resent the burden. That doesn't justify abuse, but it lowers the barrier when someone is angry or frustrated. In the long run, the only relationships that work well are those in which partners feel they carry roughly equal shares of responsibility.
It's time to pause and reflect on your own actions. You need to expose and challenge the very unproductive beliefs you are now operating on without being aware of them. Ask yourself some questions and keep peeling back the layers of answer until you are realer than real with yourself:
Where did you get the idea that it's OK to be with "men who are not good for you"? What were the men like in the family you grew up in? Where did you get the idea that you don't deserve to be with men who treat you well? Do you somehow think they are not "real" men? How were the women treated in your family? What did those women tell you about men and about relationships?
What do you think will happen to you if you don't go out with anyone for a week, or a month—or a year? What is the worst thing that could happen? What is so terrible about being lonely? What are three things you could do when you feel lonely that would make you feel good (see a funny movie? join a book club? go contra-dancing?) Make your own list so that you actually have some concrete ways to spend your time.
Whether or not your current partner happens to be good for you, you must first understand your own self-sabotaging beliefs before rushing into any relationship. Then you will be free to evaluate him (or anyone else) on his merits and decide whether he's worth spending time with.
Tags:
abuse,
abusive men,
Boyfriends,
broken heart,
clods,
dating,
dependence,
experiences,
falling in love,
five months,
insecurity,
loneliness,
long distance relationship,
neediness,
new boyfriend,
paving the way,
power imbalance,
sabotage
