We think of good moods as attractive—the cheerful extrovert with the full smile is more appealing than the moping loner in the corner. But researchers find what matters even more is your own mood.
Your mood affects your perceptions of others, especially in new encounters. Feeling sad, for example, dulls your sensitivity to others' nonverbal cues, impairing your quick-take judgment and forcing you into a more deliberative, less accurate mode of constructing first impressions.
It does the same in a potential partner. So while you might be your most scintillating self, if the girl you're closing in on is having a down day, she's virtually blind to your charms. Which takes us to the heart of attraction. It holds up a flattering mirror to us. We're attracted to someone when we like the way we look in their eyes. We're most attracted to those who see us as we want to be seen, who allow us room to stretch—to be, or become, our best self.
—Hara Estroff Marano
The Charm Offensive
When two hearts beat as one.
Charisma is charm in neon lights, a social gift we can't help but respond to when we see it. A person with charisma—think: Oprah—may bend the light waves in a room, oozing confidence and self-esteem, and we move closer because confidence makes others feel good. A person's self-esteem guides our instant evaluations: "Hmm, if she likes herself, there must be something there for me to like, too."
The deep secret of charismatic people, however, may be their ability to create synchrony, to induce you to adjust your bearing, speech rate, even heart rate—through locking eyes, through touch, or simply because you feel a strong rapport. Researchers believe our strongest perceptions of mutual attraction develop in those first encounters where two people have a measurable physiological reaction to one another. It's not exactly chemistry—it's more like electricity.
—Hara Estroff Marano
Walking Tall
Confident and friendly movements are key.
Mom was right: Good posture and a genuine smile are crucial elements of attraction. In fact, we register facial expression, hand gestures, and posture even more quickly than looks or style.
Those who look relaxed yet assured are attractive because they put us at ease—perhaps because we interpret others' movements using mirror neurons in our brains that engender copycat emotions, says John Neffinger, a political consultant who specializes in nonverbal behavior.
"Internally summon up the attitude you're trying to project," Neffinger advises. "Think about what you felt like the last time you truly felt confident. Once you've recaptured that feeling, you'll stand tall as you walk into the room."
And since we're all suckers for flattery, the easiest way to look good is to look interested. Channel your inner Bill Clinton by using steady eye contact, keeping your palms turned up, nodding, and pointing your feet toward your target.
—Carlin Flora
Playing Hard to Get
When to get your game on.
We've all had the experience. You make a connection, you leave a message, and... the other person doesn't get back to you. You wait, and wonder. Is there something wrong with you? Did they meet someone else? Then, when they finally do call, you're so relieved you never want to let them go.
"When you don't seem too available, it makes you mysterious," says Robert Greene, author of The Art of Seduction. "Anything you do that makes their imagination take flight furthers the seduction process."
If you're excited about someone, uncertainty about their interest in you can heighten your attraction to them, explains Paul Eastwick, a psychologist at Northwestern. You have a drive to reduce the uncertainty, which causes you to obsess—which in turn deepens your feelings.
We all want what we can't have. Someone playing hard to get forces us to invest more, and the more effort we put in, the more we assume it must be worth it.
Playing hard to get works because it increases a person's perceived value. "It's simple sexual economics," explains Peter Jonason, a researcher at New Mexico State University. "You give the impression of lower availability, increasing demand." But hard-to-get is a dangerous game. We like people who like us back, and if you seem too unattainable, you risk causing the other person to give up. In sum: Stretching out that period of anxious anticipation can be a powerful weapon of courtship. Use with caution.
—Jay Dixit
Woo with Wisecracks
Separating the wit from the chaff.
All it takes is one good joke to break the ice. But while everyone wants a partner with a sense of humor, guys are usually the ones cracking wise. Why? Studies suggest that women think humor-generating men are hot because wit signals intelligence and creativity—but that men value humor appreciation much more because it indicates sexual receptivity.
The prospect of everlasting lopsided banter may not appeal to either sex, but men and women do digest humor differently. Women, the more selective daters, are also more discriminating about jokes. Brain imaging shows they process jokes more deeply and reap a larger reward response from good ones, while rejecting duds without hesitation.
Mirthmaking displays social prowess in addition to brains: knowing what to say, with what timing, in what company. Of course, the joke teller can also use humor for culling contestants: Tell a quirky joke and you're looking for the person who gets it—and gets you. Humor is serious business: Research shows that humor compatibility promotes marital bliss.
—Matthew Hutson
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