I found out my 17-year-old daughter might be bisexual or gay. Right now I'm emotionally torn apart because I was kept in the dark. She told her dad and her brothers, but no one told me. I found out when I looked on MySpace. What do I do? And how do I deal with this emotionally?
Find your heart, give your daughter all the love you have for her, and become a person in whom others feel safe confiding. Children need to feel free to go to parents for advice and counsel even in situations that may make a parent uncomfortable. A wise parent doesn't lead with criticism but does everything in his or her power to keep open that door of communication; it is the greatest insurance policy that kids and parents have.
There are at least three sources of your discontent, and it would be valuable for you to disentangle them so that you can be a) a mother to your daughter at a time when she probably most needs support and b) a full-fledged member of your own family.
You seem most upset because you were not informed when everyone else was. There was something personal in excluding you. In other words, you were actively rejected as a confidante. Ouch—that hurts.
You need to know why. It may be that others perceive you as judgmental, or as emotionally cool or distant, or emotionally fragile. Or perhaps your daughter felt you might tell other people outside the immediate family whom she was not yet prepared to let in on her secret. I suggest you have a private conversation with your husband about that—not about why your daughter confided in him and the boys, but about why she avoided you. Seek to find out what you could do better to be the kind of mother to whom your daughter can entrust her innermost secrets.
It may be that your daughter didn't tell you because she thought you would be disappointed in her. For a variety of reasons, some so deep they elude understanding, many parents are initially distressed by a child's disclosure of homosexuality. "Coming out" is never easy for a child, but for a parent there is often the initial loss of hopes and dreams. Many parents are able to get beyond their own feelings of disappointment to remain available to their children as sources of emotional support, wisdom, and advice. Still, perhaps your daughter sensed that you carry a large load of dreams for her future and she needed to find more courage before talking to you about her sexual self.
You may feel especially betrayed by your husband; you may subscribe to the belief that there should be no secrets between the adults, especially about the kids. But you should be most grateful that your daughter confided in a parent, particularly about such an emotionally challenging subject. It may be that your daughter asked her father not to tell you until she was ready to tell you herself. Sensing that your daughter was at a critical developmental juncture, he may have recognized the importance of honoring her confidence as a way of enhancing trust, which would only continue to keep the door open for parental guidance. If that's the case, recognize the difficult position your husband was put in and thank him for his wisdom in choosing to help his child.
You can't feel good about sneaking around to get information on your own kid. I'm presuming you snooped because you sensed that something was up—yet you didn't act like an adult and approach your daughter to talk about what might be on her mind. You could have said something like, "I'm wondering whether everything is OK. You look like you have a lot on your mind lately. Is there something you want to talk about that I might be able to help you think through?"
I suggest you don't go searching for information about your kids on MySpace. As the label says, it's their space. Just because you can log on doesn't mean you should. Kids need to be able to stretch and experiment in a way that is not permanently harmful. The way a child sees herself, or himself, at 17 is not necessarily the way things will be at 25 or 30, so don't box your daughter into a corner about her sexuality. As a general principle, if you go snooping around in your children's diaries and private places, then you must be prepared for what you find. It's much better to sit down with your daughter and ask her if something is on her mind.
