Dahlink, I hate to break it to you, but you're not mature enough—certainly not emotionally mature. It's not others who need time to change, but you. You're taking a purely cerebral approach to romance, which is an insufficient foundation for living with anyone; if you continue this way, you will never feel the closeness such a relationship is meant to provide. And since you overvalue your own dry standards, no one can match that checklist in your head. You need to end the estrangement from yourself and turn up your emotional sensitivity. The ability to feel passion for others may give you some compassion for yourself so that you can learn to live with—gasp!—your own imperfections. All of which will allow you to appreciate the richness of the human experience. Opening yourself to love means opening yourself to the possibility of loss, hurt, and pain. People who attempt a purely cerebral approach to love have often experienced loss earlier in life and are trying to protect themselves from feeling hurt again. By substituting a checklist for your feelings, you get to reject others before they get close enough to find out that you might be less than perfect yourself. It's time to expose the inside of your soul, including whatever fears or sadness you have tried to plaster over with your intellect. Start tuning in to your fears and other unsettling feelings that may arise. You don't have to wear them on your sleeve, but you do need to privately acknowledge them. And remember that people may be attracted for many reasons, but deep connections are forged only through the power to share vulnerabilities.
The Endless Fling
I had a brief fling with a former colleague and friend years ago. Then he moved abroad and married a woman who seemed his perfect match. He e-mails all his friends with tales of their doings and travels, but he also sends me private e-mails describing his wife's "selfishness, temper, and dreadful behavior." I suggested he seek professional help for his marriage, but he has written that he "might turn up on my doorstep one day looking for a place to stay while he gets himself sorted." This is not acceptable, as I look after an elderly parent and my home situation is tense. He has a history of broken relationships, and I think he sees our fling through rose-colored glasses. I told him that I have my own problems and can't take his on. I feel he thinks I've let him down.
A fling is one thing. But entanglement with someone who is giving you clear signals about his own weak character is another. Flingman mistakes you for a welcome mat. You are right to feel uncomfortable about the possibility that he might land on your doorstep—not because you're caring for a parent but because he would be using you and abusing the good feelings you shared under completely different circumstances. He has since made it clear that he runs out on responsibility, is duplicitous, and uses others. Did I mention selfish? He didn't even ask whether his self-serving plans might be workable for you or your family. And you're worried about letting him down? You should be urging him to clean up his own mess. Make it extremely clear this instant by e-mail that you're happy to remain friends but you are not a hotel and he is responsible for making his own sleeping arrangements wherever he happens to land.
Laptop Lapse
My husband works for about two hours on his laptop after dinner each night. I don't like it because it cuts into our time together, but we have discussed my feelings; I understand it's something he needs to do for his job as a trader. At least I understood until I went to give him a surprise neck massage and caught him watching porn. He was very embarrassed and said it was a one-time thing.
And I have a bridge to sell you. Sure, lots of guys look at Internet porn; its incredible accessibility makes it difficult to resist. But porn isn't the real issue here. Why, when you are readily available, has your husband chosen to avoid interacting with you and retreated to the company of fake women? For some reason, mindless fantasy is more attractive than reality to him right now. Some possibilities: Maybe he doesn't know how to ask you for what he really wants. Maybe he has concluded that he can't get from you what he really wants—do you reject any of his advances but don't count that as distancing? Perhaps what he wants isn't terribly vanilla. Or maybe he hates his work, despite how lucrative it might be, and seeks easy distraction. You need to know. You have had discussions with Hubby about your feelings; it's now time to talk about his. Drag him off on a long moonlit walk and ask him about his inner and outer world and what's happening in it and what he would like to be happening in it, at work and at home. After you spend a lot of time listening, and demonstrating your willingness to listen, perhaps you and he can both feel loved enough to jointly come up with some new agreement on how you want to spend your time together that also accommodates his need for (real) homework.
Send your questions to askhara@psychologytoday.com.
Tags:
day trips,
dream vacation,
exes,
family vacation,
longing,
marriage,
porn,
problem area,
sex,
two feet,
unconventional wisdom,
vacation time
