My Wife Vacations With Her Ex
My wife and I are both teachers, so our vacation time coincides. But in the course of our marriage—my first, her second—we have not taken one family vacation and we do very little together as a family. I have planned vacations and day trips but end up going by myself while my wife usually goes somewhere with her ex-husband, her daughters from their marriage, and our daughter. When I protest, she tells me I'm insecure and jealous and that she is doing it for her kids. In this past, several of their vacations have been overnight, with my wife and her ex sleeping in the same room. I am not welcome on these trips although she tells my daughter that I am invited but don't want to go. The whole thing makes me uncomfortable, angry, and longing for something better. I have considered separation or divorce but am concerned about the impact it will have on our daughter.
You've been longing long enough for something better; it's time to start creating it. A marriage doesn't automatically happen after a wedding, and certainly not a family; it's something two people have to actively construct. Neither you nor your wife is doing your share. Your wife has yet to put her two feet into her current marriage. She's more than insensitive to your needs; she's deliberately challenging you in running off with her ex and then feeding your daughter negative information about you. Not to excuse her behavior, but it's hard to leave the past behind when there's nowhere exciting to go. Here's where you must rise to the challenge. Plan a time to sit down with your wife and tackle the most obvious problem area. Together, design a family or joint vacation that fulfills both of your dreams. With her input, plan when this dream vacation will be, how long it will be, where, and what you will do on it. If money's no object, plan two vacations—one for you and your wife alone, another that includes the kids. At the same time—this is a must—draw some firm boundaries around your household; your whole family is suffering from the lack of them. Overnight trips and substantial time with former partners and spouses are off-limits; without that, you have less of a marriage than a housing arrangement. Carve out some time every week for your family to be together. Encourage each member of your household to suggest activities for this time; you need to whip up everyone's excitement and create a sense of belonging. Nightly dinners with everyone joining in conversation could be helpful. Allocate specific time for the two older girls to go on vacation with their father; if they want your daughter along, that's a good time for you and your wife to vacation alone.
The Morning After
I met a guy at a friend's dinner party. We really hit it off and ended up having sex. I can't remember all the details—I had way too much to drink—but I think I was the one making the moves. The next morning was awkward—he couldn't leave my place quick enough. I was too hungover and embarrassed to attempt adult conversation. I think I've blown it—and he was the first guy I've connected with in ages. I want him to know I don't usually act like that but at the same time I'm annoyed with him for walking out the way he did.
Neither of you wins the Best Behavior Award. He may be feeling as awkward as you are. Or he may just be over it. You don't have a lot of maneuvering room. You might try composing a very charming and witty—not to mention brief (four or five lines, max) e-mail. You can get his e-mail address from your mutual friend. This is not the time to be too aggressive, but neither do you want to fall all over yourself telling him that you're not really like that. Confiding embarrassment might fall into the charming department, if you don't overdo it. Sweetly tell him you thought he was interesting and specify one thing that appeals to you ("I really like your sense of humor") so he knows he's more than just a notch on your belt and that you weren't totally blotto. Don't expect an immediate answer, and bear in mind that you may not hear from him at all. Don't resend the message; accept defeat gracefully.
The Problem With Pickiness
I am in my 20s and mature for my age. I seek meaningful relationships, but my standards and pickiness are getting in the way. Before long, I tend to find something I deem undesirable and end the courtship. I hold myself to high standards and I want to find an equal. I am certainly not panicking yet, but I do not want to turn away otherwise dateable women if my approach is flawed. I would tell myself to give the woman more time to change, but waiting for someone to change is not a sound approach to relationships. How should I approach this situation?
