It's all too easy to lock the door and bask in the privacy our ancestors could only dream of, says Nando Pelusi, Ph.D. But our search for solitude can subvert an even stronger need—to connect with others.
By
Nando Pelusi, published on November 01, 2007 - last reviewed on January 16, 2008
Some evolutionary psychologists argue that dysthymia and even depression serve a purpose: to socially galvanize us, forcing us to retrench, rethink, and learn from our errors. If you're not invited back to a party, you begin to wonder what's wrong with you. That hurt may push you to look within and figure out a better way to connect. If you find yourself losing a series of potential mates or friends, for example, a period of withdrawal and rumination could force you to examine whether your habits are turning other people off. Of course, excessive rumination can easily become unproductive.
What to do? Nurture your connections with people you like and people who may require your help. You can be selective, but one thing that we know about combating dysthymia is that when you treat others kindly and fairly, refuse to nurture a grudge, and throw yourself into creative endeavors, your mood lifts. Only by doing that which sometimes feels unnatural—being open to new people— will we override our impulse to withdraw.
Come Out of Your Cave, Man
How to maintain balance against the pull of privacy.
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Accept the limits of indirect communication like e-mail, texting, and even phones, which are inherently vague and distal. Refuse to take it personally when problems arise in long-distance relating.
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Break out of your isolation by taking a social risk, meeting new people, going to new events, studying a new art form.
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Explore your talents by sharing them with others. Sing a song or tell jokes in public. Risk exposing your true feelings, your humor, your more radical ideas.
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Help others. Cultivate your kindness, generosity, and love for people you care about, and even those who act selfishly. You're doing them, and yourself, a favor.
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Talk to one new person per day—it could be anyone, about anything—and discover what happens.
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