Sills worked with a client who was having an affair but couldn't bring herself to leave her marriage. Instead, she let herself get caught with her lover, which made everything worse for all involved. Now the woman thinks back on the events and shivers with regret, yet it was all she could do at the time. In retrospect, she's still happy to be out of her marriage. In years to come, says Sills, she needs to have self-compassion and learn from her mistake.
We are hung up on closure, says Sills, because of our fantasy that if only we had tied things up with a bow, we would not be left with pain, regret, and longing. But the truth is that your investment in a person, a job, or a school doesn't simply drain away in the moment you leave. "The emotional pieces detach in their own time and place."
The best way to soothe the memory of a painful final chapter, says Beike, is to think about the ways in which you have gained closure on the event. Maybe it's not as bad as it was last month, for instance. Concentrate on the facts of your situation in order to quell the emotional tone of the memory. Remember that over time people come to regret inaction more than action—so take comfort in the fact that you were able to act. And finally, though it's not a given, keep in mind that many memories close with the passing of time.
