Adieu to All That

We all have a story that we tell ourselves about our relationships, but Hayes warns that clinging too strongly to your narrative can mislead you, because you pick and choose the small things that fit the story, immediately pushing away what does not fit.

When it comes to a bad job or a bad habit, people tend to reach a readiness to quit that predicts whether they will actually do so. "We each have a personal incentive system and respond to different triggers accordingly," Lubetkin points out. "A patient was struggling to give up smoking, and nothing was working," he recalls. "One day his granddaughter refused to sit on his lap because he smelled so strongly of smoke, and that did it, whereas all of the other techniques did not." If you're unable to bid your habit farewell, hang on—the right motivator may be on its way.

Choreographing the Finale

The variety of possible endings, of course, is infinite. There's no unified rationale for when you should stand on your desk for a farewell speech and when it would be better to slink out the back door. But it's always wise to think strategically about the departure.

"You generally don't want to burn bridges. You want to be mindful of others' interests, and you want to be in control,"says Lubetkin. Take your time when wrapping something up. If you've been passed over by a boss or cheated on by a spouse, your initial evacuation plan will be drawn up in fear, anger, or a wish for revenge—not out of a desire to protect your own interests.

"People don't consider the future when they are in bad situations; they think of ending the pain now," says Lubetkin. So contemplate how quitting without notice might affect your underlings or coworkers. Perhaps you really should tell your boss what a tyrant he's been, but if he's the most powerful person in the industry, and you want to stay in the field, better to think twice.

Paul Furstenberg (name changed) was fired from his job as an administrator by a corrupt school district. A victim of politics, he found that taking the high road can help when an ending has been forced on you. "I accepted the situation, instead of brooding over the injustice of it. Part of my termination agreement was that the superintendent wouldn't recommend me for other jobs. I could have gone to the local paper or gotten very angry. Instead, I went back to him later and asked if he could recommend me for an out-of-state position, and he agreed."

Review how you staged your past exits. Were they messy or hurtful? Did you connect sufficiently with people you would no longer see? How proud of yourself did you feel? What would you like to do differently this time around? "Make sure the way you choose to end aligns with your values,"Hayes advises. "If you value respect for others and being a good parent, then initiate a divorce in the most loving way possible," even if you've been hurt royally.

We don't want to deal with fallout, no matter how radical the change—we want our boss to still like us, our boyfriend to be our friend. "The fantasy is that we will be viewed the way we want to be viewed, that everyone will find our reasons for ending legitimate. But you have to accept that other people may be hurt," says psychologist Judith Sills.

If you must end something against someone else's will, of course some thought and sensitivity toward their feelings will smooth the way. But if the situation is toxic or damaging, then finessing the ending is less important than just making the break. You don't owe a formal good-bye to someone who is really mistreating you, so protect yourself from further harm and just get out.

When Pamela Slim (who's now happily married to someone else) was contemplating leaving her dysfunctional 10-year relationship, she felt a huge amount of anxiety. "There were some real signs that it could be dangerous for me to confront him. So I waited until he was out of the country. I packed up, left the house, and ran for cover. Talk about liberating. I thought, 'My god, I should have done this years ago.' What gave me the power to get out was having stepped out on my own professionally. I felt much more in control. That's why I'll never regret that bad ending to my job."

Accepting the Imperfect Past

You can't rework an ending, but you can lessen the hold it has on you today. If you find yourself dwelling on a botched finale, Sills recommends contemplating what it is that you lost back there and are now longing for. If you're convinced you wrongly closed a chapter, imagine what it would have meant to leave it open instead.