In the Korea of old, before Seoul was a steel-and-glass jungle and a major exporter of TV dramas and breakdancers, most weddings were humble affairs. Marriage was seen as a union between families, cemented through an exchange of modest gifts like clothing and blankets. These days, however, South Koreans lament that weddings have become symbols of greed and waste, as families try to outdo each other with extravagant offerings. Houses have replaced housewares, while fur coats are now standard presents for new mothers-in-law.
"It's become ridiculous," says Kyeyoung Park, an anthropology professor at UCLA. "Now it's all about who is winning the game." The race to the top has gripped South Korea's upwardly mobile and competitive society. For much of Korean history, two traditional values—Confucian moderation, and the need to gain face—balanced each other out, but today, the latter has acquired the upper hand. "Traditionally you would exchange gifts of clothes among the extended family," says Tony Michell, a business consultant who has lived in Seoul for decades. "These days, people are talking about apartments and cars."
"Korean newspapers report this with shock, horror, and Confucian righteousness," Michell says, but it's not a simple matter of traditional virtue versus modern vice. Korea's predicament results from newfound wealth and conspicuous consumerism being overlaid on a society where reputation and honoring parents are still central values. Graciousness has turned into greed, and new marriages are routinely strained by parents' demands for gifts.
In some ways, the explosion of excess is an emotional bounce after decades of austerity. During South Korea's postwar economic recovery under military dictator Park Chung Hee, authorities laid down rules on how weddings could be celebrated. The "family ritual code" limited the number of guests at weddings, as well as the amount that could be spent. The law was liberalized in 1985, a few years before the military regime gave way to democracy, and that's when the spending spree started.
Even among couples leery of the trend, "there are financial incentives that make it hard to break out of the system," says Sun-Ki Chai, a sociology professor at the University of Hawaii. "Nobody wants to be the first to give up the reward."
