Advice: Time to Call it Quits?

Hara Estroff Marano gives advice on marriage, sexual conduct, abuse, and comfort in the bedroom.

By Hara Estroff Marano, published on September 01, 2007 - last reviewed on November 01, 2007

Shocked By Sex

My 14-year-old daughter recently discovered that my husband and I have sex. She snooped in our room and discovered some sexually oriented books (hidden in the closet). She took a black marker and wrote all over them: "disgusting" and "how can you do this?" She wrote me a letter saying that I was a "whore" and that if we keep having sex she will kill herself. I quickly got her into counseling, but I remain concerned. I tried to talk to her about her misconceptions about sex, but there is no reasoning with her; she says sex is only to have babies, and married people shouldn't do it. How should I handle this? Is my sex life over (we haven't had sex since this started, needless to say)?

I sought the expertise of Joshua Coleman, a developmental psychologist and family therapist in San Francisco. "Wow," he responded, "that is a highly unusual reaction for a teen." And we will assume that your husband is the girl's father—her actions have other meanings if he is not. "Clearly this teen is having conflicted feelings about her own budding sexual impulses," says Coleman. "If it isn't okay to have sex during marriage, when can you have it? On the other hand, if the books were very explicit, that may have been frightening to the teen. In addition, she may be using this 'discovery' as a vehicle to express her contempt, primarily at Mom, for a host of other reasons that she hasn't been able to verbalize or understand." Why, Coleman asks, would you give up your sex life because of your teen's ideas about sex? "While you're understandably worried about her suicide threat, you are giving her an authority over your private lives that isn't good for anyone. The rigidity and immaturity of her ideas about sex, and marital sex in particular, point to a larger problem in her cognitive and emotional life. This also suggests there's a greater underlying problem with this teen. The fact that she has to threaten suicide also points to a crisis in her life." It's good your daughter is in individual therapy, but family therapy or ongoing parenting consultations will help you learn how to set limits and be supportive at the same time. "You should resume your sex life and refuse to discuss it with your daughter when she asks," Coleman counsels. "Better hide whatever books you have about sex. Also, assume your daughter's actions represent a larger complaint about one or both parents. Ask her if there are other things that have been troubling her about the family."

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Dress To Impress

My partner buys me outfits for sexy role play but I find the thought of acting like a nurse or a schoolgirl too embarrassing. How do I let go of my inhibitions and just do it, for him?

Better to negotiate something you're both comfortable doing. That's a general rule of relationships. No relationship can thrive without mutual consent. Acceding to demands, especially ones that disturb you in some way, only breeds resentment. That, in the long run, will corrode the good feelings you have for your partner as well as your own respect for yourself. Of course, you do want to expand your sexual repertoire over time, but it doesn't work unless you're both enjoying it. If you "just do it" for him, and ignore your own comfort level, his needs get attended to while you violate your sense of self; you wind up feeling degraded rather than exhilarated. What you need is not a larger closet but a partner with some sensitivity for your feelings. If he really wants role play, he should be doing a lot more than buying you outfits; he should be providing the sense of safety and comfort you need. That he overrides your need for safety suggests a neediness on his part that turns sex into more work than play for you.

Send your questions to askhara@psychologytoday.com.