Advice: Time to Call it Quits?

Hara Estroff Marano gives advice on marriage, sexual conduct, abuse, and comfort in the bedroom.

By Hara Estroff Marano, published on September 01, 2007 - last reviewed on November 01, 2007

Time To Call It Quits?

Should I call it quits on my 17-year marriage? My husband and I met in high school and married at 20. We've been having issues for almost 10 years and have seen a couple of counselors. As soon as we stop going, everything goes downhill again. He's a wonderful man and provider for me and our two teen daughters, but he very rarely wants any intimate time with me, and I have to initiate it. He prefers to be by himself. We have not shared a bed for over two years! I don't think he's having performance issues or cheating. I think he loves me as a friend but no longer as a wife. It would be a lot easier if he treated me horribly—but he doesn't.

It would be a lot easier for both of you if you simply asked your husband what is going on. Before you call it quits, you need an honest conversation about why he is avoiding you. You both married young, before you had much experience or knew much about yourselves. Rather than drive yourself crazy and search for clues to his behavior, it would be much healthier to talk in a calm and friendly way and update yourselves on each other. Request private time for conversation. And speak from the heart. No complaints. No threats. No demands for change. Use your own words, but something like "I still love you and I miss you as a husband. You no longer seem interested and it will help me decide what to do with my life if I know why. I wonder whether you're angry for some reason. Or whether you're involved with someone else. Or whether you're just not attracted to me. Or whether you've discovered you're interested in men. Please help me know what is going on, so we can take the right steps either alone or together to put some happiness back in our lives." If that doesn't end the impasse, then tell your husband kindly that the isolation you feel is so painful you would reluctantly consider ending the marriage, and ask for a trial separation.

Oh, Brother!

I have been dating my boyfriend for a few years but I have also been seeing his brother for a few months. I really think I love my boyfriend but I have really strong feelings for his brother. My boyfriend doesn't always treat me very well and his brother always treats me like I'm the only one. He says he wants to be with me forever. I really don't know what to do. I don't want to get hurt and I don't want to hurt anyone either.

Dahlink, the issue is not what you should do about the boys but what you need to do for yourself. If your boyfriend doesn't treat you well, then you are obligated by your own self-respect—if you can dredge any up—to speak up and ask, kindly, to be treated well; spell out exactly what this looks like so he'll know what to do. It may be that he just hasn't had good teachers. If he doesn't measure up, then stop seeing him. At that point you will be free to see whomever you want—openly. Sneaking in time with his brother—or anyone else—doesn't solve the problem; it just compounds it, further ravaging your self-respect and locking you into your own cowardice—and the brother's. If your boyfriend doesn't treat you well now, wait until he discovers that you're two-timing him—and with whom. It won't be a secret forever.

Too Much Talk

I've been with my girlfriend for five years. The first few years I was singing Sinatra just thinking about her. Over this past year, things got difficult. I was fired from my job and we started spending less time together—she's going to school and working—and more time on the phone, which seems only to have caused more problems. When I get upset by something, I explain I don't want to talk about it, but she doesn't accept that. We spend half an hour in an uncomfortable silence. As a result, I've become more distant and easily angered. I'm afraid this response pattern will cause more problems for us and will spill over to friendship and family relationships.

Phoning is definitely not the best means of communication for someone who doesn't want to talk. But then, it's hard to have a relationship without some kind of contact. Right now the relationship is terribly imbalanced. Girlfriend seems to be working hard for herself and the future but getting only negative signals from you—continuing lack of a job, unwillingness to talk, distance, and anger. She may see them as signs that you're not such a great catch, and she may be trying, unproductively, to prod you to action. It's also likely that some of your irritability stems directly from being unemployed. Two things could help you both immensely—a face-to-face conversation in which you lay out exactly what you need from each other at this difficult time and some sign you're taking positive steps for the future. Right now, the phone company is the only party benefiting from your shutdown. When you sit down to talk, share your thoughts about what you see for the two of you five years ahead—and rough plans on how you aim to get there. Be sure to set up some ground rules for being in touch during the months ahead. Maybe you can agree to talk by phone no more than 10 minutes every day and to see each other on a schedule that works for the two of you.