Of course, the same mind-reading skills that help you be a compassionate friend and supportive partner can be used to hit loved ones where it hurts. Think of a long-married couple who torment each other with intimate knowledge: He knows she's thinking about her long-lost brother, and makes a quip about how she never took care of her siblings anyway; she senses he's contemplating his business failures and confirms that he has in fact screwed up everything he's ever tried.
For anyone in a relationship, the art of mind reading demands knowing when to probe and when to leave well enough alone, a strategy that calls for an old-fashioned virtue: discretion. Ickes calls it "managing" empathic accuracy. "Couples with discretion know when to go into their partner's head, and when to stay the hell out," he says. "You may have a pretty good idea of what's going on in there, but you respect your partner's boundaries, and your partner respects yours."
That means letting your partner come to you sometimes, instead of jumping in and completing his or her mental sentences. It also means not overreacting to thoughts you've divined that are threatening, but fleeting: Your boyfriend may enjoy watching that attractive actress on the big screen, but it's your hand he's holding in the movie theater.
