The Fear of Flying

If your knuckles are white from the fear of flight, try these exercises to calm your nerves.

By Nando Pelusi, published on July 09, 2007 - last reviewed on August 08, 2007

I hate to fly. I work myself up into a nervous wreck when I step on a plane. I can't relax during the entire flight. What can I do to calm myself down?

First, let's define fear of flying. I argue that your anxiety and panic derive not from being suspended in a metal tube 36,000 feet in the air (which you know you can handle, because presumably you've done it before) but from fear of fear. You can master this anxiety by recognizing that you really fear the jittery symptoms themselves.

Anxiety takes hold when you imagine yourself seated in a plane, unable to escape, and you immediately tell yourself: "I must be safe, I can't stand feeling anxious." The result: You feel anxious. Then you begin to experience anxiety about anxiety—you worry that you cannot tolerate the symptoms of fear. That makes the anxiety much worse. Just as two mirrors facing each other create an infinite regress, you're in a runaway spiral of anxiety. Fortunately, you have the power at any point to control your emotional turbulence and ground anxiety for good.

Understanding that your anxiety is as much about anxiety as it is about the plane ride will help you once you're strapped into your seat. But if your fear of flying is so intense that it prevents you from even making a flight reservation, then you've allowed your anxieties to limit your options and curtail your enjoyment of life. A categorical refusal to fly often stems from a fundamental belief about life: the idea that "I need safety at all costs." We take a perfectly valid and functional belief, "I want to be safe," and escalate it into an unreasonable demand, "I need an absolute ironclad guarantee of safety." The trouble with this demand is that it causes you to misperceive the odds. Every little blip of turbulence signals imminent danger. Yet your flight path is likely safer than the cross-town bus. By flying despite your anxiety, you make the active choice to live a life unencumbered by unreasonable fears. This philosophy of living includes acceptance that death is the absolute worst that could happen.

Forge a new attitude to flight by asking and answering the following questions:

Can I tolerate the fear of flying itself?
You can, and you will be far better off challenging yourself. Show yourself that you have control over your anxiety by letting go of your need for utter safety.
Will I continue to be afraid if I have felt fearful in the past?
No. You are not doomed to repeat a response, especially if you let yourself feel anxious, and accept anxiety, until its utility fades.
Will this anxiety kill me, or is it just annoying?
It's just annoying, but it will be more annoying to give in to anxiety and refuse to fly.

Chill Out in 30 Seconds:

Calming yourself onboard can include palliative exercises such as deep breathing and progressive muscle relaxation. Progressive muscle relaxation helps you control your tension, first by flexing your left hand for 30 seconds, then releasing it. While you relax your left hand, study the warm and tingly feelings in it—simultaneously tensing your right hand for 30 seconds. Then relax it while you focus on the pleasant feeling. Proceed with your biceps, shoulders (by hunching and relaxing) progressively until your whole upper body feels relaxed. Deep breathing throughout your flight can make you so relaxed that you actually think rationally about the risk of flying—and you quickly realize that the gravest danger you face is the recycled air you're inhaling!