My sister has been down and depressed. She has been looking for a job and feeling overwhelmed at home—her husband doesn't help around the house. She cried for three hours, and said she was thinking of "hanging herself in the rafters." I encouraged her to call me, or a friend, when she feels this way. And I told her to speak with her husband and ask for more of his help. Do you have any other suggestions?
Your concern is appropriate. Your sister is burdened by two separate problems—and the first thing to do is identify each one so that you and she can get a better handle on how to proceed. On the one hand, she is upset about her failure to obtain professional work and feeling overwhelmed at home in the company of an unhelpful spouse. These are both frustrating. On the other hand, when your sister feels "overwhelmed," she likely arrives at a conclusion that is far too dire. When someone tells me he is overwhelmed, I immediately check the self-talk he has been engaging in. The chronic sense that one's circumstances are overwhelming can lead to another problem—hopelessness. Once this spiral begins, people often add feelings of personal failure to the mix.
Good therapeutic approaches identify beliefs and ideas that lead to hopelessness. Without even realizing it, your sister's three-hour crying jag probably included thoughts such as: "Everything is too hard; I haven't found a job, therefore I've failed, and deep down I'm a total failure, and no one will ever hire me." If I'm right, the next thing to do is to notice those italicized words. They are overgeneralizations that encompass your sister's entire life and anything she might attempt in the future.
Once your sister's gotten herself thoroughly depressed, she might get even more down about being depressed, keeping her in a loop of misery. At that point, she may tell herself that she's powerless. Once she believes that, her ability to function further diminishes.
Your comment to your sister that she has a right to "break down" is true, because there is no reason she shouldn't feel exactly the way she does, especially when she is appropriately concerned about her daily circumstances. However, it is important that she also learn about her contribution to this emotional state. That way, she won't keep breaking down or stay depressed. I'm not minimizing her plight—but people do better when they stay focused on the tasks at hand rather than getting diverted by their unhappiness.
Any indication of suicidal thoughts requires attention. But thoughts that are overly general, such as the sense that one is deluged with problems, create emotional turmoil that far outstrips the temporary frustrations of job-hunting and lazy husbands. To help your sister identify her self-talk, ask her to uproot the ideas that (a) do not help her get a job and (b) make her depressed and unhappy on top of that.
What about asking her husband to help out? That's tricky because if she is feeling overwhelmed, she may approach him in a state of anger and desperation—and her requests will be perceived as demands and ultimatums. That's why she must first get a grip on her own emotions—and then work hard to improve her daily circumstances. After she musters some insight and strength about how to proceed, she can find more creative ways to enlist her husband in the team housekeeping effort.
Uprooting Feelings of Powerlessness
Ask yourself the following to get a handle on negative self-talk:
I haven't yet found a job, but does that mean I never will?
It doesn't, because I could land a job any day. And even if I don't, I still accept myself, and will continue to look for work.
My husband is not helping me enough right now. But is my anger with him helping me?
It doesn't help, and he's allowed to be imperfect. But I will be gently persistent in my message to him about what I want him to do.
I may fail to get a good job, but does that make me a failure?
It doesn't! It simply means that I have not attained this important goal at this time, but it does not doom me to total failure in everything I do.
Why is my current situation too hard?
It's hard, yes, but I can tolerate it while I keep looking for work, and I can avoid making a difficult time even worse.
Tags:
circumstances,
conclusion,
depression,
jag,
looking for a job,
negative self-talk,
overwhelmed,
personal failure,
powerlessness,
professional work,
rafters,
sibling,
spiral,
therapeutic approaches
