I Can't Handle Intimacy
At age 10, I was abused by a family member. After years of therapy, I feel I have let go of a lot of the baggage, but my body seems to be telling me otherwise. I just don't enjoy sex. I am 30, have had a few long-term relationships, and am in one now. I love the affection and the warmth of intimacy, but the actual act just doesn't excite me. I go through the motions, but there must be more to sex.
There's a lot more to sex, and the way to get it is by doing less. Focusing on acting will keep you from enjoying what you already have. You've worked hard to be able to enjoy affection and physical contact. It's totally understandable that you are not comfortable with more right now. Sex just doesn't feel safe yet. Don't fight your body. Give yourself permission to enjoy fully the contact that makes you feel warm and close. The more you and your boyfriend share the pleasures of cuddling, the more comfortable you will feel in the relationship, and the more likely it is to lead to more intimacy of its own accord. When it happens, you will be ready for it. If you tell your beau how much you enjoy being with him and then explain why sex right now is still a bit too much, he is likely to be a partner in your full recovery. Take the time to share the pleasures of being together and the contents of your minds. Over time, the desire for more intimacy will likely grow organically from the sexy closeness you develop.
Caught in the Act
I am a divorcee dating a man who recently started staying over. The unthinkable happened: My 5-year-old son caught us in the act. We didn't hear him, but there he was, standing next to the bed. I am devastated and wracked with guilt. What should I say to him?
Your son probably doesn't have a clue what was going on, and your guilt is almost totally unwarranted—unless Beau is a bad guy who treats you poorly. What your son is likely concerned about is the safety of his mother. To the uninitiated, sex looks more like a scary wrestling match than a lovefest. I hope you have chosen a man who is kind and loving to you outside as well as inside the bedroom. The wisest course would be to buy a lock for your bedroom door, which you turn one way just before you get locked in an embrace and the other way just after; your son needs access to you during the night. Kids worry about their parents. So I hope your son was not standing by your bed just as you were moaning tender little intimacies that have an entirely different meaning in other contexts—like, "Oh, God, you're killing me." Either way, keep a wise eye trained on your son to make sure he isn't clingy or showing signs of wanting to protect you—in which case, you need to reassure him that Mommy is fine. What you don't want to do is give your kid more information about your private life than he can handle. Sex just doesn't look the same to a 5-year-old as it does to you.
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