Heavy Bedroom Issues
My girlfriend hardly wants to have sex anymore because she feels insecure about her weight. I think she's beautiful and tell her so every chance I get, but she doesn't buy it. I tried getting into shape in the hope that she might get excited about it too and gain some self-confidence. Unfortunately, the better I look, the worse she feels about her own weight. What can I do?
You're on the right track in doing something about your girlfriend's weight rather than talking about it. Whatever you or anyone else says on the subject, it is going to be interpreted as criticism by her. The mere act of mentioning weight makes her self-conscious. Filtering your comments through her own negative lens will lead her to translate your interest as implied disapproval. And that will only inhibit her further. I didn't say it was logical; the weird culture of thinness into which American woman are thrust distorts her experience of herself and her self-image. To really help, you need to be more partner, less paragon. Seeing you as perfect can alienate her further from herself and from you, and deepen her depression. Setting yourself up as a behavioral model by getting into shape likely comes across as implicit criticism of her rather than a loving act. Instead, mobilize her without discussing what you are doing, just with a simple, "C'mon, we're going for a walk." For now, take all the responsibility for planning outings and engaging in activities that you can both enjoy and that have enough of a physical component to give both of you a modest workout. Enjoying the time together will automatically lift her depression and give her a positive experience of her own body while building her body confidence. Over time, that is likely to translate into a freer attitude about exposing her body to you.
In Bad Need Of Brain Stretching
I'm a 28-year-old male engineer at a company that ought to give me diverse problems to solve, but I feel bored most of the time. I start new projects with enthusiasm, but once I find the repetitive patterns and solve the core problem, I get bored. I daydream, make reckless mistakes, become blind to details and unproductive. I see my job as a source of money, not as a passion. I can't think of an activity I could label a passion. People tell me I have "the mind of a scientist," but I don't know how to keep it focused on one thing. Is this lack of passion a sign of a deeper problem?
Perhaps it signals just a mistaken attitude. Good scientists are creative. They don't stop at solving the small problems before them; they look deeper into problems and see flaws and possibilities that no one else may have noticed. They get hooked on looking for new and elegant ways to resolve inconsistencies. They open doors that no one else knew to open. You, on the other hand, see everything superficially, as an open-and- shut case, as if you are in a contest in which the first one with the right answer gets a gold star. That's not the way most scientists work. Speed is sometimes important, but it doesn't preclude deeper curiosity. It may be that you are just not being given stimulating enough problems. Take the time to correct the errors in your current work so your boss will be receptive when you ask for more challenging work. It also may be that you are putting up barriers to getting engaged with whatever problems are presented to you. The resolution is not in busying yourself with assorted time-filling hobbies. It's in seeing the hidden challenges already all around you. Perhaps you are afraid of being drawn into a dilemma that taxes you, but that is the true attraction of science—the willingness to be stumped by a problem and to spend time searching for solutions. That is often how great discoveries are made and great expertise is acquired. The effort is usually felt to be enjoyable because it is totally absorbing. Humans are happiest when their brains are being stretched by meaningful challenge. Make sure that comfort is not your highest value.
The End of Sex
My partner is on antidepressants, and they kill her sex drive. I didn't enter this relationship solely for sex, but the drugs seem to kill all intimacy. Hugs, cuddling, and just being in each other's arms rarely seem to happen anymore. Until recently, I thought it was me and drove myself to exhaustion with a weightlifting plan to give me a body she would fantasize about. I'm not asking for complete physical sex from her; I just want to cuddle. Is it possible to interest her in doing those things while she's still on medication?
Most people who take antidepressants find that it affects their libido. The important thing to realize is that they are not the only way, or even the best way, to treat depression. It's kind of ironic that one of the certain remedies for depression is connection with another human, but the drugs that are supposed to resolve depression actually get in the way of intimate relationships. You might want to encourage your partner to try cognitive-behavioral therapy instead. While antidepressants may be needed forever, psychotherapy is not. Further, it tackles the behaviors and thought patterns that are the root cause of depressive episodes and helps people learn far more effective strategies for coping. Studies show that a 12-week course of cognitive-behavioral therapy is at least as effective as antidepressants in relieving the disorder and more effective in preventing recurrence. And it doesn't kill libido as some drugs do. In the long run, it's much more cost-effective, too.
