Two People, One Breadwinner

Psychologist Barry McCarthy urges couples to talk about their arrangements in terms of two-year time frames. "Agree to check in every six months to see how well it's working. You need an accountability system so it doesn't all come crashing in on you," he says. Talk about what happens if it doesn't work the way you, as a couple, want it to. Have a plan B.

When resentments surface, couples owe it to themselves to consider the problem from an individual perspective (what is my resentment teaching me?) and as a unit (what might we need to adjust?). But there are times when resentments are clues to larger problems. According to John Gottman, author of And Baby Makes Three:The Six-Step Plan for Preserving Marital Intimacy and Rekindling Romance After Baby Arrives, there is often a deeper story behind the issues we fight about. It's important not only to understand your partner's feelings and needs but to grasp what your partner holds sacred—values, beliefs, and experiences. Sometimes a couple's shared beliefs—in this case, about specialization of roles—stop being in sync. Says Gottman, "Resentments can be signs of other, more fundamental processes that are failing too, like friendship, romance, and passion." When this becomes the case, it's time to look beyond issues of marital organization and seek professional help.