Depression and Rejection: Chicken or Egg?
Unsurprisingly, people who are rejection-hypersensitive have lower "trait" self-esteem, the feeling you have about yourself in the absence of any feedback. "You will take rejection personally if you don't think you are particularly valuable to begin with," says Leary. Slights will only confirm your suspicion that you deserve to be left out.
Depressed people are more sensitive to rejection than the nondepressed. Rejection-sensitivity is a hallmark of so-called atypical depression, which is actually the most common type of the disorder. Those with atypical depression uniquely experience a temporary lift in mood when something good happens to them. But they are then more susceptible to feeling down in response to any negative event—and less likely to bounce back quickly.
It's not clear which comes first—depression or rejection-sensitivity. "People who are depressed do tend to get rejected," observes Downey. Even if others understand and know that a person is depressed, it's hard to put up with the irritability, the negativity, and the self-doubt that accompany the condition. Among those who suffer from seasonal affective disorder, interpersonal difficulties and feelings of rejection rise in the winter months when the blues are most acute. And people who score in the red zone of rejection-sensitivity on Downey's test are more likely than others to become clinically depressed in the aftermath of a breakup.
A Fine Line
The difference between a normal response to rebuffs and an oversensitive one may be summed up in one word: rumination. Highly rejection-sensitive people are also more likely to be "overthinkers" who ruminate excessively about everyday experience. Overthinking may be the engine of hypersensitivity to rejection, says Susan Nolen-Hoeksema, professor of psychology at Yale and author of Eating, Drinking, Overthinking. If you begin to dwell on the fact that your friend has not returned your recent e-mail, your brain will run a file search and pull up possible reasons for why she is angry with you and why she may even be on the verge of cutting you out of her life.
As you stew in your negative thoughts, hostility and anxiety rise, all in the absence of any real information about why your pal is incommunicado. Overthinking stirs people who are rejection-sensitive to sabotage themselves. "When you are ruminating, you get immobilized because you discount the effectiveness of taking preventive action," says Nolen-Hoeksema.
Instead of working constructively to repair what may be a severed tie, you build a case for why you've been rejected. And when you do finally see your friend, your emotions will be so disproportionate to any slight that she will likely be annoyed—and yes, perhaps even reject you.
A normal response to intimations of rejection would be some attempt to gather information or move directly into repair mode. But rejection-sensitive souls cling to losing strategies. They might desperately seek out intimacy and make unreasonable demands of a partner—appearing overly invested yet anticipating the partner's departure. Or they avoid intimacy altogether—averting stormy relationships but losing out on the chance to find acceptance and support. Either path puts them at risk for loneliness and depression.
Eggshell Existence
To say that rejection hurts is not to speak metaphorically. UCLA neuroscientist Naomi Eisenberger and colleagues have found that rejection activates the same brain area that generates the adverse reaction to physical pain, causing a sharp spike of activity in the anterior cingulate. Being ditched by your best friend is as threatening to your well-being as touching a hot stove.
Kids who constantly expect rejection are more aggressive and get into trouble more with teachers than do their classmates. Young adults who are sensitive to rebuffs tend not to open up and reveal themselves in the early stages of friendship. They may have a hard time with transitions and adjusting to new settings. A diary study of college freshman found that rejection-sensitive students made fewer friends and liked school less than did their peers at the end of the year.
Rejection-phobes are also less willing to have friends who are different from themselves—from other ethnic backgrounds, for instance. A tendency to stick to one's own kind could impede young adults from gaining an enriched perspective on life.
Hands down, the rejection-sensitive suffer most in the realm of romance. No matter how committed their partners are, they worry about being dumped. They attribute hostile intent to innocuous behavior. Unsurprisingly, both they and their partners are less happy than other couples.
"Living with someone who is sensitive to rejection is like walking on eggshells," says Leary. "Any little slip up on your part—like calling at 6:03 instead of 6:00—could trigger their anger." They tend to seek constant reassurance from partners, but even if told repeatedly that they are loved, the information isn't trustworthy—because the affirmation had to be elicited. It's maddening for others to deal with. "People who feel secure have a hard time understanding a partner like this," Leary notes.
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