Clinging to Your Crew

Often such cohesion came at the expense of individuation. Today, our options are far more varied than those faced by ancestors who passed on their emotional apparatus to us. Speaking out in favor of the Iraq war or against your co-workers' accounting skills may earn you dirty looks. But chances are you've just uttered the rallying cry of another, rival group, one that will welcome you into the fold.

How to Deal with the Pain of Exclusion

Our Neanderthink desire to fit in can lead us to distort the consequences of rejection.

• Whether confronted by "mean girls" or Machiavellian co-workers, beware of magnifying the effects of group exclusion. Our knee-jerk inner voice says, "I must belong or the effects will be catastrophic and global." Usually they are neither.
• Telling yourself that your ouster is terrible will only reinforce your anxiety about the situation. Remind yourself that you don't need this group's approval to survive, and your anxiety will become appropriate concern.
• The need for affiliation with a specific group at all costs blinds you to new opportunities and creates a global sense that you will always be rejected.
• Monitor labels: Are you condensing your essence into a party, race, gender, or nationality? Remember that "groups" today are convenient monikers and ever-shifting alliances, not survival-focused entities like families or tribes.
• When a group limits your options, you can leave for another group more easily than ever before.