My Boyfriend Is Messy
I just moved in with my boyfriend of two years. I always knew he was messy, but it didn't bother me too much because I'd go back to my own apartment. Now that we're living together (in his place), I find myself getting increasingly frustrated and even depressed about the fact that he leaves his things lying around and lets the dishes pile up in the sink. I refuse to clean up after him. When we speak about it he says I always try to control my environment (which I admit is true) and that it's important for him to be able to relax—he'll clean up eventually. In the meantime, I'm freaking out!
So the mess really isn't about the mess. It's about differences in style and determining which style prevails. Some people are just sloppier than others about the spaces they inhabit; neatness may not be their highest value. It sounds as if you have some pretty strong views on the subject and he is resisting having them imposed on him. You need to make sure the style issue is confined to living space and doesn't infect other aspects of life (is he really an all-around procrastinator?). No matter what the initial problem, once you start demanding unilateral change, you make it an issue of control, and he (rightly) resists. You need a better problem-solving method. Sit down with Loverboy to have one of the most important conversations of your life—a model for handling all the differences you will encounter in the future. Begin with an appreciation of what you like about living together—the closeness, snuggling up to a warm body, his jazz CDs. But tell him that the messiness bothers you (state it as a problem for you, not a problem with him) although you know he's more comfortable with it. Ask if you can together come up with a plan so that you are both equally comfortable in the environment you share, which means finding a way to get chores done so that there isn't a buildup of mess. Maybe there are some chores he prefers to others, so perhaps he can agree to take out the garbage while you do the dishes. Whatever plan you devise is less important than the fact that finding the solution reflects give and take from both of you and the solution itself meets both sets of needs. Good relationships don't just happen. You have to forge them, usually in creative solutions to challenges.
