Shedding Shyness

The ability to captivate and charm others in any social setting is new territory for the shy. Here's a few tips on how to stand out at a party, make a good first impression, captivate an audience, approach a love interest, and get more respect at work.

By Erika Casriel, published on March 01, 2007 - last reviewed on March 10, 2011

How to Sparkle at a Party

No more hiding behind the shrimp cocktail table. With minimal preparation, you can engage with more than the appetizers.

Have a road map. Conversation with strangers typically moves through five stages, says psychologist Bernardo Carducci, from opening line (keep it simple) and introductions, to trying out topics and exploring for common ground, to closure, in which you tell that person that you're going, sum up what you learned and possibly exchange contact information. Once you internalize these steps, you will always have a mental map of where to go next.
Stay informed. "If you're going someplace next week, then know what happened this week, in local business, or on Lost," says Carducci. "You don't have to be an expert." To help conversations flow, he adds, apply the two rules of brainstorming: Throw in comments without trying to impress people, and don't judge ideas as they come up. Others will participate more freely if they don't think what they say will be criticized.
Warm up. Arrive early at events so you can meet people one-on-one. Then, move on to "quick talk," says Carducci. "Talk to lots of different people for short periods, so you don't put a lot of pressure on yourself. Have the same conversation with 8 or 10 people in your initial swing through the crowd—you're warming up, just like someone at a race. Then you can go back to the people who interest you."
Look approachable. When people conceal their social anxiety behind a neutral mask, others can become uneasy and interpret their faces as aloof or hostile. To develop warmer interactions, practice looking up with a welcoming smile in the mirror. When we hunch up and lower our heads, we feel more introspective, explains therapist Erika Hilliard. When we stand tall and lift our heads, our attention moves outward.

The First 30 Seconds

Approaching a stranger is nerve-wracking, but the benefits can be worth the short-term anxiety.

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Relive a confident moment. If you're feeling down on yourself, others will sense it. Pretending you like yourself doesn't fool people either. Instead, "remember the last time you were shining inside and out, and your body will be responsive," says therapist Erika Hilliard.
Eye contact shows respect. To make a good first impression, maintain a relaxed posture and warm, engaging eye contact. By meeting someone's eyes, you're showing that your mind is not someplace else. To soften your gaze, move your eyes lightly around the person's face, says relationship coach Susan Rabin.
Say anything. To break the ice, comment on some detail about the environment around you, says psychologist Bernardo Carducci. Your purpose is simply to signal your willingness to talk. "People think they have to be witty or urbane—what they really have to be is nice."
Give extra information. To get a conversation humming, add details, such as "I live on Spring Street near that fantastic bakery." "This gives others more topics to run with, so the conversation doesn't drop like a lead balloon," says Hilliard. "It does not have to be deep and intimate to be a meaningful connection."
Don't just walk away. If the conversation stops for a moment, do you panic and rush off? Once you're sure it's time to conclude, summarize some points of connection, and express gratitude. That way, Carducci says, you'll be more confident about making plans for future contact. Jamie Sussel Turner, a New Jersey principal, met her future husband in an elevator when she turned to him and said, "So, are you here for the conference?"

Public Speaking: Not Worse Than Death

Start by giving toasts. Then captivate your book club. Soon, you'll be running for mayor.

Anticipate your stage fright. The amount of nervousness you will feel is determined by the importance of an event's consequences and your level of confidence that you'll succeed, according to psychologist Mark Leary. By evaluating these two factors, you'll know how much to prepare and you'll be less surprised by your body's physiological arousal on the big day.
Do a dress rehearsal. "Reviewing your notes isn't actually practicing," says California State University psychologist Peter Desberg. If the venue will be dark, have someone shine a light in your eyes while you speak. Wear the clothes you'll be wearing and learn to enjoy the adrenaline rush.
Go for laughs. As you deliver important information, take breaks to entertain the audience with an anecdote or self-effacing joke. Desberg has noticed that the more humor he employs in class, the higher the ratings he receives on his end-of-semester evaluations.
You're the one they need. If you notice the crowd waiting for you (even if it's only three people) and you get panicky, focus on how much they need to hear what you have to say. While you speak, if your pounding heart distracts you, practice grounding techniques like feeling your feet against the floor.
Think big. Audiences know when you've chosen to play it safe. Instead, commit yourself to exciting, provocative ideas, making sure your listeners know what essential role they have to play. But don't go rampaging off onto another topic. You can only start one revolution at a time.